Is this your first child?

This has become the question that I dread the most.  So many well-meaning folks find that this is an acceptable question to ask.  I know the sentiment-  I used to do it too.  I stopped now that I understand just how horribly difficult it is for some people to answer.

Is this my first child?  No.  She's my third.  But she's the first to have made it far enough for most people to recognize her.

My first child was with us only five short weeks.  Had she or he lived, they would be nearly 4 months old.  Learning to roll over, and possibly scootching around the floor, smiling and laughing.

My second child was with us only six short weeks.  Had she or he lived, they would be still considered a newborn.  They would have had so many photos of little fingers and toes, with a joyous Mommy and Daddy in the background.

My third child is now 24 weeks gestation.  She is very active after I drink juice, and loves ice-cream.  She doesn't like anything that presses on her safe little home right now, and will kick at the ultrasound wand when it's pressed against my belly.  She sucks her thumb and does flips, making sure to hit my bladder each time.  She has her days and nights mixed up, and seems to be the most content when I am laying on my right side.

No, this isn't my first child.  I do, however, pray daily that she's the first that I am able to take home.  The first that I am able to change her diaper, the first that I am able to feed.  I pray that she's the first that I will be able to whisper the treasured words "I love you" and feel her skin against mine as her little eyes look up at mine, tearfilled and grateful for this amazing blessing.

What I didn't know

As I walk this path one day at a time, I am finding that I am learning a lot about what I didn't know.  Some things are funny, some not.  Some are joyful, others painful.  But, a lesson learned is a true treasure indeed!

I didn't know it was possible for my boobs to get even bigger than they were.  Just ask the sales lady that got to deal with my horrified gasp when I saw the bra size that actually fits.

I didn't know it was possible to outgrow maternity clothes that were bought too large in the first place with the mistaken thought that they'd last the whole pregnancy.

I didn't know it was possible for my feet to grow-- seemingly overnight-- one half shoe size.

I didn't know that I'd be my own personal heater.

I didn't know that hungry means HUNGRY.  Even at 4am.

I didn't know that my stomach would itch constantly.

I didn't know that my stretch marks would be across my rear end and hips-- not my belly.

I didn't know that my baby belly could cause another woman such deep hurt- and that she'd be horribly nasty about it. (and how am I supposed to hide it??)

I didn't know that my temper would be so short or that my tears would be so ready at all times.

But......

I didn't know it was possible to love someone so much before even meeting her.

I didn't know the absolute joy I would find in someone pummeling my organs on a regular basis.

I didn't know that my husband and I would find a new aspect to the word "love" as this child grows.

I didn't know that the sound of my daughter's heartbeat would bring such a feeling of profound relief that I would be moved to tears.

And MOST of all...

I didn't know what amazing miracles that God works in our lives when we least expect them.

Observations from behind the scanner

When Doug and I got married, I had a blast with the wedding registry.  Walking around, zapping anything we wanted with a scanner...it was like shopping with no budget!  We didn't anticipate receiving a lot of what we registered for, but it was fun to dream :)

Today I went to Babies R Us with my Mom to finish my registry.  WOW.  Now that was an experience!  Somewhere in section 1 I got overwhelmed.  There is so much to choose from and after spending years avoiding the baby sections of stores, here I was trying to decide what I wanted.  Needless to say, Mom was a huge help.  In the bath aisle, I ran into another girl doing her registry with her mother.  Somehow in our conversation we discovered that we are both infertility gals, and actually had the same surgery last June and are both due this coming June.  Funny how we all seem to find one another, isn't it?  Anyway, we had a great chat and went on about our zapping.

Several hours later (one can of grape juice, two trips to the potty and a sore lower back later) we went to turn in our scanner.  I expected to feel excited, relieved...something of that sort.  But, I just felt numb.  In so many ways, this just doesn't seem real.  Is that truly my child that I just picked all of that stuff out for?  Will this amazing miracle of a pregnancy really end with us taking home a healthy bouncing baby?

As I looked around at some of the other ladies handing in their scanners, and seeing the looks of happiness and joy radiating from them, I couldn't help but feel a little awed.  I wish I had that innocence.  I wish that I could naively think that all baby bellies end in take home babies.  Yet even through that, I know that because of what we have gone through to get her here, our little Samantha will be loved and treasured beyond measure by so many that understand our family's history.  So bring on that zapper ...  and I will enjoy every second of planning for this precious baby girl!!!

Baby Samantha Update

Well, we are into the second half of our pregnancy.  Doug and I still can't really believe we are here.  I feel her little kicks and wiggles, my body is changing and I am still throwing up.  But yet it still doesn't feel real yet.  I still am having difficulties wrapping my brain around the fact that we are expecting a baby girl this summer.  After all we have been through, I am still scared to really try to picture it.  I still feel a little too fragile for it.  I can speak in terms of "after she arrives," I just can't picture it in my head.

I am, though, enjoying this pregnancy (puking and all).  While slightly traumatized that people think I am further along than I am (or that I am carrying twins) I do enjoy this baby belly that I am sporting.  Below is a series of photos shot this afternoon of my baby belly...enjoy!  (and keep the giggles to yourself please!!)

The view looking down....can't seem to find my feet!

Quiet

This evening it's just the family at home. Doug is in his chair reading a book, Cody is on his dog bed, Emma is curled up next to me with her nose tucked under my ankle here on the sofa, and baby Samantha is doing her nightly acrobatics session in my belly (the chocolate raspberry cake I consumed for dinner probably isn't helping that much).  All I hear is the occasional page being turned, a few puppy-contentment sighs and the tap-tap-tap of my keyboard.  It's beautiful. No television, no ringing phones...just silence.

Nights like tonight give me time to sit and appreciate what we have here.  A wonderfully beautiful little family, a nice warm home, and SO much love.  It's evident in the way we can both look up and smile, the way the pups love to snuggle and the way it is just so comfortable to just ....be.  We are so amazingly blessed, and I thank God for quiet moments like these.

Sprinklings of Showers...and then it pours

Tomorrow I will be attending the first of a series of baby showers (mine included...which still leaves me in awe).  Tomorrow will be the first baby shower I have attended in almost a year.  Not for lack of babies arriving, but for lack of being emotionally able to attend.

For someone that has never walked the road of miscarriage or infertility, that may sound like a horrible statement.  It's not made out of jealousy or anger.  It's not because of the silly baby shower games or masses of sugar that are consumed.  It's because seeing those baby items, and being surrounded by talk of motherhood can cause pain unlike anything I imagined.  I didn't realize that it was possible to be SO HAPPY for a friend or loved one, yet feel SO miserable in my gut just wishing my babies were still with us.  While still in the process of losing our second child, I attended a good friend's baby shower.  I will never forget the all-consuming ache that I felt for that hour and a half as I busied myself with helping serve food and taking pictures.  I will never forget the embarrassment that I felt at the end of the shower when, unable to contain myself, I ended up in the kitchen in tears, just praying that no one would see me.  I didn't want to spoil anyones fun, or take away from anyone's joy.

Tomorrow is a big step for me.  I still expect to feel that pang of missing my babies in Heaven.  I still expect to be consumed by fear of losing this precious little girl growing in my tummy.  I still expect to busy myself with the food and taking pictures.  I still expect to have my friends that are still struggling to conceive weigh heavy on my heart.

So, I step forward with an open heart and slightly trembling hand...and I pray that I am able to fully celebrate the new life that my friend and her husband have created.  This precious little boy, this beautiful little miracle.