Stepping into something new

I have challenged myself to try something new (like I didn't have enough new LOL).  I have joined several Mom's Clubs in our area in an attempt to make friends with other Stay At Home Moms.  Most folks wouldn't see this as a challenge, so let me explain.

For the first few years of my marriage, I avoided situations like this.  It was so hard, so painful, to be around a group of women who easily conceive and carry a child to term.  They had an innocence that I did not have any more.  I felt a bit removed from that joy, as my pregnancies to that point had ended in grief.  I was excluded, not part of the club, and felt very unwelcome around women with children, particularly in social settings.  After the birth of Samantha, I was welcomed into the group, invited to activities, most of which I didn't join into.  That group of women, who had excluded me for years, suddenly welcomed me into the mix.  It felt false, and I walked away (not rudely, I just don't participate).

Instead I am seeking out groups on my own terms.  These women didn't know me "before".  It's a clean slate.  I do not hide my story-- I share it willingly as a testimony to God's amazing blessings-- but it's not the focus of the group.  We are able to share our children, enjoy each other's company, and have fun with or without our children in tow.  In some ways this is refreshing.  In other ways, now I feel like a "faker".  It's a hard spot to be in, hence why this is a challenge for me.

I am slowly getting involved, first with Mom's Night Out meetups, and next week with some that involve the children.  I am expanding my horizons, taking small steps, in an effort to not have my daughter be impacted by my infertility as well as to help my heart heal and enjoy this journey called Motherhood.

Walking away

Tonight Doug and I had a long chat over my internet usage and the websites I visit.  None of them are bad websites or anything, but they do consume an inordinate amount of my time and are beginning to impact my view of the outside world.  Let me try to explain...

Our journey through infertility has left me somewhat jaded.  I no longer take pregnancy announcements with true joy in my heart, and spend the first 14 weeks of my friend's pregnancies in fear that something is going to happen and they will lose their baby.  I know too well what CAN happen, and it impacts the joy that I should feel for them.  I also look with envy at those that appear to have the "perfectly functioning" body.  The ones that plan to have a baby and BOOM the next month are announcing they are pregnant.  Why is it so easy for some and others wait and wait and sometimes never bring home a living child?  I feel anger and resentment, not just for myself, but for those other ladies in my life that want so desperately to have children and are unable to.  It has become a focus in my life, and one that is warping my sense of joy in God's miracles-- even those that aren't realized as such.

Our journey has also left me with a bitter taste in my mouth for insensitive comments.  I no longer respond with patience and love, but instead with anger and hostility. I hold on to those comments, mulling them around in my head until they sour my heart.  I want so badly to be able to let go and turn the other cheek, but am unable to do so when surrounded by constant hurt and disappointment.

One forum that I frequent is a Christian forum dealing with infertility.  This forum has been my crutch for the past few years, but it is now such a focus for me.  I have surrounded myself with others in pain, therefore am no longer able to pull away and feel joyous.  I need to step away and recharge, so that I am able to properly love and support these women who have become my friends.  I can no longer be the hypocrite telling someone to look for the joy when I can not seem to find my own.

As I approach Thanksgiving, I am doing an exercise with myself that will focus on weeding out things in my life that I feel are holding me in.  I am paring down my facebook list, my website list, even my social calendar, in hopes of reclaiming me and the joyful girl that I was...the one I want my daughter to see as she grows.  The one that laughs, and loves, and embraces life and all of her blessings.  The one that feels the pain, embraces it, and keeps moving....not forgetting, but honoring and moving forward with it.  The one that loves her friends, supports her friends and grows with them-- in good times and in sorrow-- in true Christian fellowship.

I am embracing a new journey, to a new and improved me.  A me with the right focus; God, my family, and my friends.

Thanks for following my journey, and I pray that you will continue to walk beside me as I take a slight turn in the road.

Finding me again

Today I pulled out my crafty side again.  Last night I worked on a few dresses for the baby, managing to make shirts more than dresses, as she's already outgrown the onesies I used (oopsie), but they turned out cute.  Tonight I worked on bows.  I have five that turned out quite nice, if I do say so myself.

I also made dinner for my cousin and aunt.  I made a pot roast, mashed potatoes and green beans, as well as italian parmesan beer bread (sounds weird, but totally yummy).  Everything was a hit and I was really happy with how it all turned out.

It feels good to DO again, to create something useful.  I have always enjoyed making things like this, and am starting to enjoy cooking too.  It is nice to feel like I am contributing and have something tangible to show for my work.

Now, if I can just get this hot glue off my hands before tomorrow....

Adjustments

I wasn't under the warped impression that being a stay-at-home-mom was going to be a cakewalk.  I knew that raising a child takes hard work, discipline and lots of love.  There's actual effort involved to truly care for a baby.  I wasn't prepared to be more tired than I was working 50-60 hours a week at my full-time job.  Being a Mom never stops; I am "on duty" 24/7.  I don't even go tinkle by myself all that often anymore.  My hair is often washed but not fixed and makeup is a going-out-of-the-house thing to do.  If I make it out of my comfy clothes then I am doing well that day.

I still have no regrets.  I miss being more financially able to go out to eat at nice restaurants, buy whatever clothing I wanted to and have my hair and nails done.  But I wouldn't trade this for the world!

I am starting a new blog, in addition to this family one, which will go into more detail about living on one income, and adjusting to living on less in a world that demands more.  My plan is to include budget ideas, simple recipes (that are healthy AND inexpensive) and catalogue my journey into a "reduced yet increased lifestyle" :) Here's the link: http://reducedyetincreased.blogspot.com/   I hope to see you there!

On a more personal update, my appointment with my doctor went well.  I still have a ways to go in regards to getting back into "healthy" but we are grateful to know that the emergency delivery of Samantha will have no lasting effects on our fertility that we are able to see now.  Praise God for this blessing!

Samantha is now five months old and is rolling over in all directions.  She doesn't like to be on her tummy, so she often just flips back onto her back and she loves to stand up with support.  She's still in the lower percentiles for her weight, but is in the 89th percentile for her height.  She's chubby and happy; we are so blessed to have this child!