Lately, I think I have lost myself.
For years I have identified with my IF friends. They "got it" and understood. I didn't need to explain, I didn't need to hide. I could feel, I could be. Now I have a child. My IF friends feel a little distant. I no longer share their pain, so it seems. I am once removed from that world now, by choice or by force. I shouldn't feel hurt. I shouldn't feel betrayed. But I do. I guess they do too, in a different way.
Now I am a Mother of a living child. I hang out with other Moms, do the things that Moms do. Yet I still don't fit it. I can't talk about "planning for the next child". I don't know if there will be another. I can't talk about how I had an "oopsie". My pregnancy was calculated, tracked, blood-tested, medicated and anything but an oopsie.
My world feels turned up-side-down. I still have fear that my loved one's pregnancies aren't going to end with a healthy, living child. I still get disgusted at the blind ignorance of others who treat their bodies horribly during a pregnancy-- yet still have a good outcome.
I don't know where to share my new pain. The gut-wrenching ache I feel to see someone breastfeed (I couldn't produce and feed my child) or the urge to smack someone I feel when they give me an astounded look and say "You mean she's not crawling or pulling up YET??" I have entered new territory, where Moms compare themselves and their children constantly and I feel grossly inadequate. I don't compete well this way...I don't want to.
I find myself crawling back into my shell, some out of self-preservation and some out of the need to Momma-bear protect my baby from the outside world. I am paring down, weeding out and "de-cluttering" my life, including people that I hang out with. There are some where it's ok, even if they don't get all of it. I appreciate them more than they probably know.
I am neither here nor there, neither one thing (IF) or the other (blissful Mom). I am happy, I am blessed with my daughter, but I don't feel like ME yet.