With broken hearts, we announce that our fifth child, Landen, is now in heaven. No Mother should ever have to say goodbye to a child, much less four of her children. Doug and I are devastated and are seeking comfort in our little family.
I am sticking close to home lately, once again feeling that the outside world is a bit too harsh for me at the moment. I know that this will pass, but in the meantime I am hunkering down in the quiet sanctity of my home.
I am thankful for the loving support of my friends and family. So may have reached out in different ways, and each has touched our hearts deeply.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Moments like these
This evening started our new night time routine with Samantha. As she drinks her bedtime milk, all snuggled up in my arms, Doug wants to begin reading the Bible to her. We have a toddler's Bible (put into children's language and pictures, with verse references) and tonight we read about Creation and about also about the great flood and Noah's Ark. She listened intently, pointing at the pictures and watching her Daddy's face while he read. It took all I had in me not to cry.
Moments like these are what I prayed for. Moments like these, my little family reading the Bible together, are what I pictured in my head as we lovingly prepared for this child. Moments like these will be forever etched into my memory.
We are so busy throughout the day, that our special moments come fewer and further between. We run from class to class, mealtime to snacktime, naptime to bedtime. We have playdates, preschool, and errands. We take walks, eat on the porch, do puzzles and color. We make memories, we learn, we grow. All of my days feel wonderful, fulfilled and blessed with this little firecraker of a daughter. But those special moments, where I feel with clarity that this is what I prayed for...moments like these warm my heart, fill me with joy, and have me singing praises of God's amazing blessings in our lives.
I love moments like these.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
The Mom Stays In the Picture
I, like so many other Moms that I know, hide from the camera. I don't like my post-baby body. I don't like my saggy boobs, my stretch marks, my fat roll that won't go away over my c-section scar. I don't like that I still need to lose 30+ pounds of "baby weight" (which if I am honest with myself isn't really baby weight anymore). I don't like that my cheeks are too round, that I have some grey hair and that I have dark circles under my eyes.
But, I need to remember that my child doesn't care. She doesn't care if I don't do my makeup. She doesn't care if I look tired, look fat, have a zit the size of Texas on my chin. She doesn't care if my clothes match, or even if they fit properly and hide my spare tire tummy roll. All she cares about is that I am her Mommy. I am holding her, playing with her, smiling for the camera with her. I hope, years from now, that she can look back at our photos and just see her Mommy. I hope she will look back with fondness at Mommy being there, Mommy holding her, Mommy playing silly games, and Mommy comforting her. I hope she can look back and see that I was comfortable in front of the camera, just being me. Being Mommy was enough...and being with her was the best thing of my day!
Here's the article if you haven't seen it. Fabulous and thought-provoking...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allison-tate/mom-pictures-with-kids_b_1926073.html
The Mom Stays In the Picture
Allison Tate, Freelance writer and mother of four
Last weekend, my family traveled to attend my oldest niece's Sweet Sixteen party. My brother and sister-in-law planned this party for many months and intended it to be a big surprise, and it included a photo booth for the guests.
Allison Tate, Freelance writer and mother of four
Last weekend, my family traveled to attend my oldest niece's Sweet Sixteen party. My brother and sister-in-law planned this party for many months and intended it to be a big surprise, and it included a photo booth for the guests.
I showed up to the party a bit late and, as usual, slightly askew from trying to dress myself and all my little people for such a special night out. I'm still carrying a fair amount of baby weight and wearing a nursing bra, and I don't fit into my cute clothes. I felt awkward and tired and rumpled.
I was leaning my aching back against the bar, my now 5-month-old baby sleeping in a carrier on my chest (despite the pounding bass and dulcet tones of LMFAO blasting through the room) when my 5-year-old son ran up to me.
"Come take pictures with me, Mommy," he yelled over the music, "in the photo booth!"
I hesitated. I avoid photographic evidence of my existence these days. To be honest, I avoid even mirrors. When I see myself in pictures, it makes me wince. I know I am far from alone; I know that many of my friends also avoid the camera.
It seems logical. We're sporting mama bodies and we're not as young as we used to be. We don't always have time to blow dry our hair, apply make-up, perhaps even bathe (ducking). The kids are so much cuter than we are; better to just take their pictures, we think.
But we really need to make an effort to get in the picture. Our sons need to see how young and beautiful and human their mamas were. Our daughters need to see us vulnerable and open and just being ourselves -- women, mamas, people living lives. Avoiding the camera because we don't like to see our own pictures? How can that be okay?
Too much of a mama's life goes undocumented and unseen. People, including my children, don't see the way I make sure my kids' favorite stuffed animals are on their beds at night. They don't know how I walk the grocery store aisles looking for treats that will thrill them for a special day. They don't know that I saved their side-snap, paper-thin baby shirts from the hospital where they were born or their little hospital bracelets in keepsake boxes high on the top shelves of their closets. They don't see me tossing and turning in bed wondering if I am doing an okay job as a mother, if they are okay in their schools, where we should take them for a vacation, what we should do for their birthdays. I'm up long past the news on Christmas Eve wrapping presents and eating cookies and milk, and I spend hours hunting the Internet and the local Targets for specially-requested Halloween costumes and birthday presents. They don't see any of that.
Someday, I want them to see me, documented, sitting right there beside them: me, the woman who gave birth to them, whom they can thank for their ample thighs and their pretty hair; me, the woman who nursed them all for the first years of their lives, enduring porn star-sized boobs and leaking through her shirts for months on end; me, who ran around gathering snacks to be the week's parent reader or planning the class Valentine's Day party; me, who cried when I dropped them off at preschool, breathed in the smell of their post-bath hair when I read them bedtime stories, and defied speeding laws when I had to rush them to the pediatric ER in the middle of the night for fill-in-the-blank (ear infections, croup, rotavirus).
I'm everywhere in their young lives, and yet I have very few pictures of me with them. Someday I won't be here -- and I don't know if that someday is tomorrow or thirty or forty or fifty years from now -- but I want them to have pictures of me. I want them to see the way I looked at them, see how much I loved them. I am not perfect to look at and I am not perfect to love, but I am perfectly their mother.
When I look at pictures of my own mother, I don't look at cellulite or hair debacles. I just see her -- her kind eyes, her open-mouthed, joyful smile, her familiar clothes. That's the mother I remember. My mother's body is the vessel that carries all the memories of my childhood. I always loved that her stomach was soft, her skin freckled, her fingers long. I didn't care that she didn't look like a model. She was my mama.
So when all is said and done, if I can't do it for myself, I want to do it for my kids. I want to be in the picture, to give them that visual memory of me. I want them to see how much I am here, how my body looks wrapped around them in a hug, how loved they are.
I will save the little printed page with four squares of pictures on it and the words "Morgan's Sweet Sixteen" scrawled across the top with the date. There I am, hair not quite coiffed, make-up minimal, face fuller than I would like -- one hand holding a sleeping baby's head, and the other wrapped around my sweet littlest guy, who could not care less what I look like.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Paring down and cleaning out
Life's clutter, that is. I am finding that I have over-extended myself on multiple levels. In my attempts to fill my social calendar, I realize that I am filling it with things that don't matter. Things that are draining my joy, things that are making me doubt myself and my parenting abilities, my family size, my happiness. It's time to clean out.
I am starting with social commitments. I am surrounding myself with people that I enjoy, friendships that I really want to cultivate. I am working on friendships for my child with people that I want to be around Samantha, children that I think will be her friends for life, friends that can encourage her and have her do the same for them.
I am also cleaning out Facebook. There are so many folks on there that don't even know me, yet I am sharing details on my life with them. It's time to stop. So, I am working through the daunting task of cleaning my friend list up.
I am cleaning out the house, a bit at a time. I started with the kitchen, and it's coming together. It's nice to be clean and organized :) Plus, I am tired of tripping over myself and our material items.
So...here's to decluttering! Let the fun begin :)
I am starting with social commitments. I am surrounding myself with people that I enjoy, friendships that I really want to cultivate. I am working on friendships for my child with people that I want to be around Samantha, children that I think will be her friends for life, friends that can encourage her and have her do the same for them.
I am also cleaning out Facebook. There are so many folks on there that don't even know me, yet I am sharing details on my life with them. It's time to stop. So, I am working through the daunting task of cleaning my friend list up.
I am cleaning out the house, a bit at a time. I started with the kitchen, and it's coming together. It's nice to be clean and organized :) Plus, I am tired of tripping over myself and our material items.
So...here's to decluttering! Let the fun begin :)
Thursday, July 26, 2012
First Corinthians 13 for Moms
I am not normally one to cross-post another blogger's post, but this so resonated with me that I had to share. As I agonize of the mom-petitions, the countless comments that hurt even when they aren't intended as such, the un-ending milestone charts and worries of developmental delays, I need to have this daily reminder. I plan on printing it and posting it to read daily.
This is taken from Life With Jack.
First Corinthians 13 for Moms
If my child speaks in the tounges of men or of angels, masters sign language at six months and Spanish and Mandarin Chinese by six years, but does not learn to love, she is only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If he has the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge- ABCs at a year, reading by two, writing chapter books in Kindergarten- but does not have love, he is nothing. If I volunteer for every mommy ministry- MOPS, AWANA, Sunday School, and if I give all I possess to the poor (or at least bring loads of groceries to the foodbank), but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy other mother's lifestyle choices or possessions, it does not boast in the areas of my children's natural strengths (while covering for their faults), it is not proud of the way my child potty trained before your child. It does not dishonor others by insisting that my method of parenting is the best, it is not self-seeking-hoping that you'll notice how smart, talented or well rounded I am raising my child to be. It is not easily angered by perceived slights or misjudgements, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth that all of parenting is fueled and driven by God's grace. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preseveres.
Love never fails- even where I have fallen painfully short of God's best for my children. But where there are competitions to see whose body bounces back best after childbirth, they will cease; where there are verbal fights over the correct methods of discipline, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge about the best way to feed and clothe and nurture a child, it will pass away. For we know in part and we parent incompletely, but when they are fully grown, what we thought we knew about raising our children will disappear. When I was a new parent, I thought, spoke and reasoned with immaturity and without grace. As my children grew, I asked God to give me the wisdom to put these childish ways behind me. For now we see our children's future as only a reflection as in a mirror; one day we will behold their adult selves face to face. Now I know in part; then we shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
========================================================================
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,(Q) they will cease; where there are tongues,(R) they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part(S) and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes,(T) what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood(U) behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;(V) then we shall see face to face.(W) Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.(X)
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.(Y) But the greatest of these is love.(Z)
This is taken from Life With Jack.
First Corinthians 13 for Moms
If my child speaks in the tounges of men or of angels, masters sign language at six months and Spanish and Mandarin Chinese by six years, but does not learn to love, she is only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If he has the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge- ABCs at a year, reading by two, writing chapter books in Kindergarten- but does not have love, he is nothing. If I volunteer for every mommy ministry- MOPS, AWANA, Sunday School, and if I give all I possess to the poor (or at least bring loads of groceries to the foodbank), but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy other mother's lifestyle choices or possessions, it does not boast in the areas of my children's natural strengths (while covering for their faults), it is not proud of the way my child potty trained before your child. It does not dishonor others by insisting that my method of parenting is the best, it is not self-seeking-hoping that you'll notice how smart, talented or well rounded I am raising my child to be. It is not easily angered by perceived slights or misjudgements, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth that all of parenting is fueled and driven by God's grace. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preseveres.
Love never fails- even where I have fallen painfully short of God's best for my children. But where there are competitions to see whose body bounces back best after childbirth, they will cease; where there are verbal fights over the correct methods of discipline, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge about the best way to feed and clothe and nurture a child, it will pass away. For we know in part and we parent incompletely, but when they are fully grown, what we thought we knew about raising our children will disappear. When I was a new parent, I thought, spoke and reasoned with immaturity and without grace. As my children grew, I asked God to give me the wisdom to put these childish ways behind me. For now we see our children's future as only a reflection as in a mirror; one day we will behold their adult selves face to face. Now I know in part; then we shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
========================================================================
1 Corinthians 13
New International Version (NIV)
13 If I speak in the tongues[a](A) of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy(B) and can fathom all mysteries(C) and all knowledge,(D) and if I have a faith(E) that can move mountains,(F) but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor(G) and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b](H) but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient,(I) love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.(J) 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,(K) it is not easily angered,(L) it keeps no record of wrongs.(M) 6 Love does not delight in evil(N) but rejoices with the truth.(O) 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.(P)8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,(Q) they will cease; where there are tongues,(R) they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part(S) and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes,(T) what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood(U) behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;(V) then we shall see face to face.(W) Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.(X)
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.(Y) But the greatest of these is love.(Z)
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Raising my Only
As we come to the realization that my body, once again, is not functioning as it should we are faced with being on medical hold in "trying to conceive". And somehow, I am not totally horrified by it as I once was. Yes, it still stings when I hear of how much of a disservice I am doing to my daughter by being an "only child". I'd like to say I have tougher skin than that, but it hurts to have people be so close-minded and judgemental about my family's size (besides, I don't think it will put Samantha at a disadvantage, but that is for another post). Being on hold this time is freeing. I can focus on my daughter, without the added wonder ever month for two weeks, without the anxiety of every pukey-feeling and ovulation twinge, without the horrific sobbing when the test is negative and my period starts. I can BREATHE.
Given that, Doug and I have had some serious discussions about calling it done and that our family is complete with three children in heaven and one here with us. We are both at peace with it, for the most part, and are continuing the discussion as we move along through medical hold.
I feel relief, sadness, joy, peace...all wrapped up into one. I realize that it's all beyond my control. If God has plans for us to have another child we will, but somehow wrapping my brain around Samantha being an "non-lonely only" is helping me enjoy her more.
Today we met some friends at the mall. Samantha and I got there early, so we had the play place to ourselves. I had such a wonderful time watching my daughter explore, climb, slide, laugh and make her happy-monkey face. I found myself thanking God wholeheartedly for my only child- that I could enjoy this special time with just her, and her with just me.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, or next month or next year. But today, this is perfectly enough :)
Given that, Doug and I have had some serious discussions about calling it done and that our family is complete with three children in heaven and one here with us. We are both at peace with it, for the most part, and are continuing the discussion as we move along through medical hold.
I feel relief, sadness, joy, peace...all wrapped up into one. I realize that it's all beyond my control. If God has plans for us to have another child we will, but somehow wrapping my brain around Samantha being an "non-lonely only" is helping me enjoy her more.
Today we met some friends at the mall. Samantha and I got there early, so we had the play place to ourselves. I had such a wonderful time watching my daughter explore, climb, slide, laugh and make her happy-monkey face. I found myself thanking God wholeheartedly for my only child- that I could enjoy this special time with just her, and her with just me.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, or next month or next year. But today, this is perfectly enough :)
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
One year ago today a little baby entered the world, born just a few precious moments before it would have been too late for her to be able to survive. This little miracle baby spent 8 days in the NICU, fought hard to regain her strength, and came finally came home with her loving parents in early June.
By the grace of God, my baby girl is here with us, alive, thriving, laughing, giggling, chattering, crawling, speaking and loving. Here are a few little things that we know about our precious baby girl:
By the grace of God, my baby girl is here with us, alive, thriving, laughing, giggling, chattering, crawling, speaking and loving. Here are a few little things that we know about our precious baby girl:
- She loves her "dee-gees" (doggies) and tries to snuggle with them.
- She has her little routine that she loves in the morning of drinking her bottle then snuggling up with Daddy to wake him for work.
- She claps her hands when I change her diaper.
- She laughs when she crawls behind something and "hides".
- She sneaks food to her "dee-gees" when she's done eating.
- She can crawl a full flight of stairs, and will not hesitate to try to come down on her own, much to my dismay.
- She loves water and will drink several sippy cups a day.
- She is a fabulous snuggler and will pat my shoulder when she's falling asleep for her nap (I pat her back to when I snuggle her settle her down when she cries).
- She loves her glow-worm and will cry if I put him in the toy bucket-- Glow-worm has a special spot on the toy shelf.
- She loves to eat meat; bbq, burger, chicken, steak.
- She doesn't like many veggies.
- She's tough, a fighter and hard-headed like her Mommy.
- She loves to take things apart and try to put them back together like her Daddy.
I could go on and on...this little girl is just so amazing!
Happy first birthday, Samantha! I thank God for you every day, and know that He must have some pretty amazing things planned for you!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Reactions
Today when I went to the bank, I did a deposit at the ATM. The ATM is apparently having issues with transactions involving multiple checks, and it messed up my deposit by $400. Needless to say, I wasn't happy with that so into the branch I stomped, sleeping baby in my arms.
I had already had quite a morning, between a feverish baby and delays at the doctor's office. I was attempting to quickly run errands and get Samantha home for a real nap. Going into the bank wasn't on my list and I think that was clear by the look on my face.
There, I encountered the young woman at the welcome desk who asked if she could help me. After describing what happened, she replied with "Yes, we have been having problems with that ATM. It should fix itself at midnight and adjust your deposit, but if not you can call the 800 number on your card." I saw red instantly. I reiterated that this wasn't acceptable, yada-yada-yada and really made an issue about it. If it was a known fact, why wasn't there a sign or something on that ATM? Why couldn't they fix it? Why me???
After making a total jerk of myself and stomping out of the bank, I drove home in anger. I got no more than halfway there and had a harsh realization. How quick I am to anger. How quick I am to react to that anger. And how wrong that truly is of me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. THUNK...I am very easy to offend. THUNK...I am even quicker to react to that offense. THUNK...that young lady was simply doing her job. THUNK...I owe her an apology. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK...how often in the past 48 hours can I count reactions just like this one, to both strangers and to those I love whether it be in my head and heart, or spoken aloud? I was immediately ashamed.
I drove the rest of the way home in prayer. When I got home and got Samantha snuggled into bed, I made a phone call to that young woman and apologized for my behavior and thanked her for her offer of help. She said I made her day by apologizing, but oh how horrible I felt that I even created a situation like that.
I started off the year by attempting to focus on finding joy, but I haven't been all that successful lately. My outburst today shows how quick I am to judge, anger and react. My heart isn't in the right place, and I pray that I remember this day for a long time. That I pause before reacting, get my raw emotions in check, and react in a manner that honors God. Perhaps that will also help me find my joy.
I had already had quite a morning, between a feverish baby and delays at the doctor's office. I was attempting to quickly run errands and get Samantha home for a real nap. Going into the bank wasn't on my list and I think that was clear by the look on my face.
There, I encountered the young woman at the welcome desk who asked if she could help me. After describing what happened, she replied with "Yes, we have been having problems with that ATM. It should fix itself at midnight and adjust your deposit, but if not you can call the 800 number on your card." I saw red instantly. I reiterated that this wasn't acceptable, yada-yada-yada and really made an issue about it. If it was a known fact, why wasn't there a sign or something on that ATM? Why couldn't they fix it? Why me???
After making a total jerk of myself and stomping out of the bank, I drove home in anger. I got no more than halfway there and had a harsh realization. How quick I am to anger. How quick I am to react to that anger. And how wrong that truly is of me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. THUNK...I am very easy to offend. THUNK...I am even quicker to react to that offense. THUNK...that young lady was simply doing her job. THUNK...I owe her an apology. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK...how often in the past 48 hours can I count reactions just like this one, to both strangers and to those I love whether it be in my head and heart, or spoken aloud? I was immediately ashamed.
I drove the rest of the way home in prayer. When I got home and got Samantha snuggled into bed, I made a phone call to that young woman and apologized for my behavior and thanked her for her offer of help. She said I made her day by apologizing, but oh how horrible I felt that I even created a situation like that.
I started off the year by attempting to focus on finding joy, but I haven't been all that successful lately. My outburst today shows how quick I am to judge, anger and react. My heart isn't in the right place, and I pray that I remember this day for a long time. That I pause before reacting, get my raw emotions in check, and react in a manner that honors God. Perhaps that will also help me find my joy.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Mother's Day
Mother's Day. A day that strikes absolute fear into IF women everywhere, particularly those that have lost a child or multiple children. Mother's Day. A day to celebrate Motherhood, where flowers are given, cards are created, chocolates consumed and lines for brunch can wrap down the side of the "best" places. Mother's Day. A day where I have sat in the back of the sanctuary, tears rolling down my face as Moms stood to the count of the Pastor's numbers, in "games" of who has the most children, the most grandchildren. A day where I couldn't stand up and acknowledge that I too am a Mother, without having a bunch of people look at me and ask when we were due. A day when I had to think of my cousin's aching heart at not having her Mother with her anymore, a day where I spent hours praying for my friends who were also, somehow, enduring the pain of this day.
This year is different. I have a living child. People expect me to want gifts, to want cards, to want chocolate and to want that big brunch. A day to celebrate me. For what? For what achievement? That my child lives? This isn't an accomplishment...it's a miracle. Only by the grace of God do I have this precious little one in my arms.
This year we are making plans with another couple that has a child the same age as Samantha, as well as tentative lunch plans with a couple that doesn't have children. I am not sure; perhaps we could all get together, but I do know that this day will be so different than those of the past few years. I do not feel completely into it, to be honest. I feel like I am faking it, that I will probably approach it as just another day. I don't want to take away from celebrating Motherhood, but also don't want to be the one to cause pain for another.
This Mother's Day, dear friends, please feel free to celebrate if that's your thing. But also, please keep those in mind that some may find this day very painful. Those tear-filled eyes at the back of the church of a woman with empty arms, those anguished cries of those that have lost their Mothers. Remember that even in our joy, we may cause others pain. Remember to give them a hug, show them you care even if you don't totally understand.
This year is different. I have a living child. People expect me to want gifts, to want cards, to want chocolate and to want that big brunch. A day to celebrate me. For what? For what achievement? That my child lives? This isn't an accomplishment...it's a miracle. Only by the grace of God do I have this precious little one in my arms.
This year we are making plans with another couple that has a child the same age as Samantha, as well as tentative lunch plans with a couple that doesn't have children. I am not sure; perhaps we could all get together, but I do know that this day will be so different than those of the past few years. I do not feel completely into it, to be honest. I feel like I am faking it, that I will probably approach it as just another day. I don't want to take away from celebrating Motherhood, but also don't want to be the one to cause pain for another.
This Mother's Day, dear friends, please feel free to celebrate if that's your thing. But also, please keep those in mind that some may find this day very painful. Those tear-filled eyes at the back of the church of a woman with empty arms, those anguished cries of those that have lost their Mothers. Remember that even in our joy, we may cause others pain. Remember to give them a hug, show them you care even if you don't totally understand.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
The Ache of hope
I learned during our times of trying to conceive (ttc) that I am a really unpleasant person when under personal stress. I get snappy, nasty and defensive. I am short on energy and teary, crying easily. TTC brings out the worst in me, in particular during those months where I actually dare to hope.
Our journey is continuing and we are not preventing becoming pregnant again. Now that we have a health all-clear I am daring to hope again. That hope was shattered in January. Now, in May, here I am watching those horrible pee-on-a-stick tests, praying to see two lines instead of one. Here I am slathering on the progesterone supplement, dealing with sore boobs, vomiting, the works...to still see that dreaded single line. Not pregnant. I know it's still a bit early, but I am wound up so tight I can barely think. I hate living life in a "what-if" state regarding pregnancy. I can't eat sandwich meat-- what if I am pregnant? Oops, that was caffienated--what if I am pregnant? Got that new exercise tape-- what if I am pregnant? I feel like I lead my life on hold, just waiting, on edge.
I am ready to honestly say that I am done hoping, that I can't live like this. I am ready to give up hope and just BE. Just be happy, just eat what I want, just enjoy my precious little family exactly how it is. To stop looking at pregnant bellies longingly, to stop wanting to scream at every ultrasound photo, to stop wishing and hoping and the end product being disappointment and tears. I am just ready to be over this part of our life, and I don't know how to get there.
Our journey is continuing and we are not preventing becoming pregnant again. Now that we have a health all-clear I am daring to hope again. That hope was shattered in January. Now, in May, here I am watching those horrible pee-on-a-stick tests, praying to see two lines instead of one. Here I am slathering on the progesterone supplement, dealing with sore boobs, vomiting, the works...to still see that dreaded single line. Not pregnant. I know it's still a bit early, but I am wound up so tight I can barely think. I hate living life in a "what-if" state regarding pregnancy. I can't eat sandwich meat-- what if I am pregnant? Oops, that was caffienated--what if I am pregnant? Got that new exercise tape-- what if I am pregnant? I feel like I lead my life on hold, just waiting, on edge.
I am ready to honestly say that I am done hoping, that I can't live like this. I am ready to give up hope and just BE. Just be happy, just eat what I want, just enjoy my precious little family exactly how it is. To stop looking at pregnant bellies longingly, to stop wanting to scream at every ultrasound photo, to stop wishing and hoping and the end product being disappointment and tears. I am just ready to be over this part of our life, and I don't know how to get there.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Moments like these
This morning I sat in the nursery feeding Samantha her bottle before her nap time. She snuggled quietly against me, happily slurping away, while holding a clump of my hair in her hand. This is our normal routine during bottle time (unless she's feeling fiesty and forgoes the hair for sticking her fingers up my nose) and I love it. It's quiet time with my beautiful child, and it gives me time to just enjoy her babyhood.
I spend a lot of time running around, cleaning up after her messes, stacking blocks to have them knocked down, cooking, cleaning, laundry...the list goes on and on. We also have Samantha's music class, her little tumbling class, her playdates and the never-ending stream of appointments. My calendar is busier now than it ever has been.
I forget sometimes how important it is to stop and snuggle. My baby girl tries to remind me of this, by stopping in middle of playing and crawling to me for a hug and kiss. It's something that I treasure and need more of. It warms my heart, makes me grateful, and keeps me grounded in today not dwelling on the past.
Moments like these are my "touchstones" during the day. Feeding my baby, snuggling up with my pups, lying in bed reading books with my husband. I am truly blessed and my heart is full today.
I spend a lot of time running around, cleaning up after her messes, stacking blocks to have them knocked down, cooking, cleaning, laundry...the list goes on and on. We also have Samantha's music class, her little tumbling class, her playdates and the never-ending stream of appointments. My calendar is busier now than it ever has been.
I forget sometimes how important it is to stop and snuggle. My baby girl tries to remind me of this, by stopping in middle of playing and crawling to me for a hug and kiss. It's something that I treasure and need more of. It warms my heart, makes me grateful, and keeps me grounded in today not dwelling on the past.
Moments like these are my "touchstones" during the day. Feeding my baby, snuggling up with my pups, lying in bed reading books with my husband. I am truly blessed and my heart is full today.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Noah
Two years ago we were celebrating in the joy of a positive pregnancy test. My numbers were doubling, and my doctor told me to be hopeful regardless of the spotting that I was having. We were so ecstatic being pregnant "so quickly" after losing Hope the previous January. We picked out names, not caring if the baby was a boy or girl, just a healthy baby. I bought maternity pants as my regular jeans were already feeling snug. We told our family and several close friends of our big news.
We did not know that this pregnancy would be one that would add another inch of paper to my medical chart. We did not know that our precious child wasn't snuggled safely, but instead had implanted on my right ovary. We didn't know that the tightness of my pants wasn't due to my uterus expanding, but to bloating in my abdomen from the "ectopic pregnancy". We didn't know that this sweet child would have such a label. We didn't know that in just a few days we'd get the devastating, crushing news that our child was leaving us. That our precious Noah had gone on to join Hope in heaven.
Then would start the endless bloodwork. The bleeding for a month straight. The "bouncing HcG" results. The threat of methotrexate to "terminate the pregnancy". The prayers, oh the prayers, that sweet little Noah would "naturally" move on and that medicine and surgery wouldn't be needed. My arms looked like a drug addicts, my eyes were constantly red, and my heart was broken.
If anything can be found as a blessing in this, is that the loss of Noah is what brought me to a wonderful community of support called Hannah's Prayer. I found sisters there that I didn't know I needed, and friendships that I will treasure for a lifetime. Thank you, Noah, for your sweet little life, as short as it was, bringing Mommy to find a community such as this. Mommy misses you, precious little one, and look forward to the day that I meet you in heaven.
We did not know that this pregnancy would be one that would add another inch of paper to my medical chart. We did not know that our precious child wasn't snuggled safely, but instead had implanted on my right ovary. We didn't know that the tightness of my pants wasn't due to my uterus expanding, but to bloating in my abdomen from the "ectopic pregnancy". We didn't know that this sweet child would have such a label. We didn't know that in just a few days we'd get the devastating, crushing news that our child was leaving us. That our precious Noah had gone on to join Hope in heaven.
Then would start the endless bloodwork. The bleeding for a month straight. The "bouncing HcG" results. The threat of methotrexate to "terminate the pregnancy". The prayers, oh the prayers, that sweet little Noah would "naturally" move on and that medicine and surgery wouldn't be needed. My arms looked like a drug addicts, my eyes were constantly red, and my heart was broken.
If anything can be found as a blessing in this, is that the loss of Noah is what brought me to a wonderful community of support called Hannah's Prayer. I found sisters there that I didn't know I needed, and friendships that I will treasure for a lifetime. Thank you, Noah, for your sweet little life, as short as it was, bringing Mommy to find a community such as this. Mommy misses you, precious little one, and look forward to the day that I meet you in heaven.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Life keeps going
As my heart still recovers from the loss of Aiden, I am finding that once again life goes on. People keep moving, as do I.
Today I went out and about with Samantha. We went to a playgroup and had a nice time (although I need to germify everything now LOL). My reaching out is going a little better. I am making new friends, and hope that my child will be able to grow up with some of these children as her playmates.
Now that Samantha is napping, I am feeling introspective again. But for the first time in quite a while, it's a contented introspective. I am slowly finding my joy again, in a place that I'd never expect to-- a Mom's club. I am finding women that I have a lot in common with. Some of them are IF as well, others are not. Some of them get it, some of them do in a different way. It's a peaceful type of feeling, to not feel so alone. To know that other women struggle the same way I do, even if it is for a different reason. I feel like I am starting to define me, not letting IF do it for me.
Today is the day the Lord has made. I am finding that I am rejoicing in it. :)
Today I went out and about with Samantha. We went to a playgroup and had a nice time (although I need to germify everything now LOL). My reaching out is going a little better. I am making new friends, and hope that my child will be able to grow up with some of these children as her playmates.
Now that Samantha is napping, I am feeling introspective again. But for the first time in quite a while, it's a contented introspective. I am slowly finding my joy again, in a place that I'd never expect to-- a Mom's club. I am finding women that I have a lot in common with. Some of them are IF as well, others are not. Some of them get it, some of them do in a different way. It's a peaceful type of feeling, to not feel so alone. To know that other women struggle the same way I do, even if it is for a different reason. I feel like I am starting to define me, not letting IF do it for me.
Today is the day the Lord has made. I am finding that I am rejoicing in it. :)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Days 3 and 4: Diversions
Yesterday I was unable to find time to log on. Funny how that is nowadays. I barely have time to shower, much less anything else. Today is a different story. Today I have time, or tonight I guess I should say.
There are times that ending the day with joy is next to impossible. There are days when it's just too dark to do, days when the sorrow is too much to overcome. I want to find my joy today, but am resigned to the fact that it isn't going to happen.
Instead of searching scripture for my verse on joy, I am going to search for a name for another baby in heaven. This one gone before we could even celebrate, gone before many even knew he or she existed.
Tonight I am not joyful; I am numb. I know that sounds harsh, I know that I am to seek comfort in God and seek my joy in Him, but I am still hurting and just can't find that joy tonight.
I don't promise to always succeed in finding joy in this blog, but I do promise to be open and real. There it is today...
There are times that ending the day with joy is next to impossible. There are days when it's just too dark to do, days when the sorrow is too much to overcome. I want to find my joy today, but am resigned to the fact that it isn't going to happen.
Instead of searching scripture for my verse on joy, I am going to search for a name for another baby in heaven. This one gone before we could even celebrate, gone before many even knew he or she existed.
Tonight I am not joyful; I am numb. I know that sounds harsh, I know that I am to seek comfort in God and seek my joy in Him, but I am still hurting and just can't find that joy tonight.
I don't promise to always succeed in finding joy in this blog, but I do promise to be open and real. There it is today...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Day 2: Focusing on Joy
Today was a busy day. Doug was out of town and Mom has been here to help, so I took advantage of the time to clean -- throughly clean-- the house. I vacuumed, dusted, mopped, scrubbed, rearranged, moved and decluttered. The result? A clean, organized, refreshed home. Ahhhhh.....lovely.
Cleaning the house like this reminds me of the cleaning out in my life that I am to do as well, in order to recapture my joy. I have managed, over time, to surround myself with things or people that are draining my joy. I have allowed this to happen, sometimes knowingly and others inadvertently, and it is stopping now. Just stopping isn't enough. It's time to clean out.
I started with Facebook. There are people that I am friends with on facebook that are not healthy relationships. They drain my joy, they cause pain and heartache (not to mention heartburn) and just generally zap me to the point of tears. I am letting go..."unfriending" so to speak and moving on without them. Perhaps this is a harsh approach to take, but a boundary line has been drawn and I must stick to it.
Proverbs 15:13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit
My verse today reminds me that just looking joyful isn't enough. I need to remind myself of God's plan and desire for us to be joyful in Him. What do I have in my life that could bring me down, when reminded of His grace and mercies? How can I NOT find joy in my day in light of that? Focusing on God and his many blessings in my life allow me to let go of the heartache and have a happy heart. A heart filled with gratitude for God and joy in Him. As the proverb says, this happiness in my heart will radiate from my face, my smile. The heartache is gone, no longer crushing my spirit.
Today I found joy in:
-throughly cleaning out my home
-the company of my Mother
-my child learning the fun of a new toy
Today I release:
-the poison of a friendship that is causing heartache
-the worry over Samantha's cardiologist appointment tomorrow
-the angst I feel over planning big events this year and not having family be joyful about them. If they make my little family happy, I shall plan them. Whoever shows up, great-- we will celebrate with them and not mourn those that chose to exclude themselves.
Lord, I thank you today for my many blessings. For my family, my friends and most of all for YOU. Today I find joy in You, resting in your presence, singing praises to you for my daughter to hear and hopefully remember as she grows. I thank you for the joy that you brought to my attention in my child, my mother and the seemingly simple act of being a good housewife and spending my time wisely and honorably. I pray for your guidance and strength on the items that I am letting go of. I pray for the removal of relationships that are robbing my joy, I pray for Samantha's appointment tomorrow-- that I not be anxious and trust in Your plans for her. I also pray that as I plan our family celebrations for this year, that I do so without the worry and angst of folks not coming, and that I rejoice with those that do. I pray all of this in Jesus name, Amen.
Cleaning the house like this reminds me of the cleaning out in my life that I am to do as well, in order to recapture my joy. I have managed, over time, to surround myself with things or people that are draining my joy. I have allowed this to happen, sometimes knowingly and others inadvertently, and it is stopping now. Just stopping isn't enough. It's time to clean out.
I started with Facebook. There are people that I am friends with on facebook that are not healthy relationships. They drain my joy, they cause pain and heartache (not to mention heartburn) and just generally zap me to the point of tears. I am letting go..."unfriending" so to speak and moving on without them. Perhaps this is a harsh approach to take, but a boundary line has been drawn and I must stick to it.
Proverbs 15:13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit
My verse today reminds me that just looking joyful isn't enough. I need to remind myself of God's plan and desire for us to be joyful in Him. What do I have in my life that could bring me down, when reminded of His grace and mercies? How can I NOT find joy in my day in light of that? Focusing on God and his many blessings in my life allow me to let go of the heartache and have a happy heart. A heart filled with gratitude for God and joy in Him. As the proverb says, this happiness in my heart will radiate from my face, my smile. The heartache is gone, no longer crushing my spirit.
Today I found joy in:
-throughly cleaning out my home
-the company of my Mother
-my child learning the fun of a new toy
Today I release:
-the poison of a friendship that is causing heartache
-the worry over Samantha's cardiologist appointment tomorrow
-the angst I feel over planning big events this year and not having family be joyful about them. If they make my little family happy, I shall plan them. Whoever shows up, great-- we will celebrate with them and not mourn those that chose to exclude themselves.
Lord, I thank you today for my many blessings. For my family, my friends and most of all for YOU. Today I find joy in You, resting in your presence, singing praises to you for my daughter to hear and hopefully remember as she grows. I thank you for the joy that you brought to my attention in my child, my mother and the seemingly simple act of being a good housewife and spending my time wisely and honorably. I pray for your guidance and strength on the items that I am letting go of. I pray for the removal of relationships that are robbing my joy, I pray for Samantha's appointment tomorrow-- that I not be anxious and trust in Your plans for her. I also pray that as I plan our family celebrations for this year, that I do so without the worry and angst of folks not coming, and that I rejoice with those that do. I pray all of this in Jesus name, Amen.
My One Word 2012
Last year I decided to participate in My One Word, which is an alternative to the New Year's Resolution. It gives you one word, one focus, one goal for the year. Take a look at yourself, and take a look at the person that you want to become, the person that God intends for you to be. See what you look like as that person, and pick a word to help you get there.
I am participating again this year. My word for 2012 is "Joy".
I used to be such a joyful person. I would laugh so much, and would find the happiness in little things. I enjoyed being around friends and family, and enjoyed spending time alone. My thoughts and fears didn't haunt me; I had faith in the joy I found on a daily basis. I am not that person now. Some of my innocence about life is gone, I have experienced pain. I am finding my heart goes towards sorrow before joy. I am not the person that I was, nor the person that I feel I should be.
So this year I am focusing on re-finding my joy. I will rejoice in my husband, my daughter, my pups, my friends. I will smile more, laugh often, and try not to let people and situations get to me and get me down.
Psalm 188:24- This is the day which the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it
I have so much to rejoice and be glad for, things that I take for granted and do not recognize as such. To help myself with this, I commit to writing down a list of three things that I am thankful for each day, things that bring me joy. I will also commit to writing down three things that bring me down, pray about them, and release them and let go of their hold over me. By doing this, I pray that I learn to let go of the hurt, fear, anxiety and pain and to rejoice in all of the blessings that I am given-- big or small.
Today I find joy in:
-the sound of my daughter's laughter
-the snuggliness of my pups
-the hug of a friend, even when it's been a while since we last spoke
Today I pray to release:
-the hurt that I feel by being excluded in a place where I hoped to be accepted
-the anxiety I feel about Samantha not crawling
-the fear that I have about being an inadequate Mother
Looking at my list I realize how simple my joys are, and how "big" my items are that I am praying to let go of. Funny how that is; the bad stuff always seems so big and the joy seems so simple. I pray that by the end of the year, that focus is reversed!
I am participating again this year. My word for 2012 is "Joy".
I used to be such a joyful person. I would laugh so much, and would find the happiness in little things. I enjoyed being around friends and family, and enjoyed spending time alone. My thoughts and fears didn't haunt me; I had faith in the joy I found on a daily basis. I am not that person now. Some of my innocence about life is gone, I have experienced pain. I am finding my heart goes towards sorrow before joy. I am not the person that I was, nor the person that I feel I should be.
So this year I am focusing on re-finding my joy. I will rejoice in my husband, my daughter, my pups, my friends. I will smile more, laugh often, and try not to let people and situations get to me and get me down.
Psalm 188:24- This is the day which the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it
I have so much to rejoice and be glad for, things that I take for granted and do not recognize as such. To help myself with this, I commit to writing down a list of three things that I am thankful for each day, things that bring me joy. I will also commit to writing down three things that bring me down, pray about them, and release them and let go of their hold over me. By doing this, I pray that I learn to let go of the hurt, fear, anxiety and pain and to rejoice in all of the blessings that I am given-- big or small.
Today I find joy in:
-the sound of my daughter's laughter
-the snuggliness of my pups
-the hug of a friend, even when it's been a while since we last spoke
Today I pray to release:
-the hurt that I feel by being excluded in a place where I hoped to be accepted
-the anxiety I feel about Samantha not crawling
-the fear that I have about being an inadequate Mother
Looking at my list I realize how simple my joys are, and how "big" my items are that I am praying to let go of. Funny how that is; the bad stuff always seems so big and the joy seems so simple. I pray that by the end of the year, that focus is reversed!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
2011: Remembering our Year
As we begin with a fresh new year, I am taking a moment to look back before jumping on in. 2011 was a big year for us.
In January we travelled to TN to spend time with Doug's folks in Gatlinburg for their vacation. Mom and Dad met up with us as well. Fun was had by all, and I was just excited that I could eat and not puke it up.
February was fairly quiet, although we did have unseasonably warm weather. For my hotter-than-normal body temp, this was lovely!
March was a flurry of planning. I had two baby showers in April, so March involved getting guest lists together and planning for travel for my Aunts, Sis-in-law and niece. We also celebrated Doug's birthday, entering his last year in his 30's :)
April brought baby showers and visitors. It was an overwhelming month for me, feeling so much love towards our child yet still desperately scared that she'd never make it here.
May. Ahhhh, May. May brought bedrest and high blood pressure, swelling, pain and finally, labor. On May 30 at 2:44 am we were blessed by the amazing miracle birth of our daughter and began our daily treks to Northside's NICU to be with her.
June brought the joy of bringing our baby girl home. Sleepless nights and sleepless days (and whoever had the theory of "nap when the baby naps" clearly has had quite a bit of time lapse since they had a newborn) yet absolute happiness with our child.
July brought family-- and lots of it! Doug's family all came in from Virginia and England, and my family came in from NC and California. We all had such a wonderful time visiting and letting Samantha meet all of her cousins.
August brought a quieter month, which was much needed. Mom and Dad came back to visit often, and our little one grew and grew.
September brought our Birthing class reunion, all of us with healthy little girls. We also enjoyed lots of playtime with Samantha's little buddy, Reagan :) It was a month filled with getting to know our little one even more.
October brought our anniversary, Samantha's first Halloween, and her first costume! My first "quiet moment of rememberance" came this month as I remember Hope's EDD.
November brought my birthday (ugh, getting old) and Thanksgiving. We enjoyed having Patricia and Aunt Debbie with us for a quiet celebration.
December brought Samantha's first Christmas, spent with both sets of grandparents in NC. It is so wonderful to watch them all with her. I also observed a quiet moment in memory of little Noah as we past his EDD and what would have been his first birthday.
This year my husband and I have grown closer than I ever imagined, brought together through trial and fear, pain and heartbreak, tears and unimaginable joy. We have added our beautiful daughter to our family, enjoyed the warmth and love of our friends and family, made new friends and said good-bye to others. With open hearts, hands held, daughter in tow, pups bounding along, we welcome 2012 and all it has to bring!
In January we travelled to TN to spend time with Doug's folks in Gatlinburg for their vacation. Mom and Dad met up with us as well. Fun was had by all, and I was just excited that I could eat and not puke it up.
February was fairly quiet, although we did have unseasonably warm weather. For my hotter-than-normal body temp, this was lovely!
March was a flurry of planning. I had two baby showers in April, so March involved getting guest lists together and planning for travel for my Aunts, Sis-in-law and niece. We also celebrated Doug's birthday, entering his last year in his 30's :)
April brought baby showers and visitors. It was an overwhelming month for me, feeling so much love towards our child yet still desperately scared that she'd never make it here.
My crazy family!
Kristin and Aimee, two of my wonderful Baby Shower hostesses :)
At my shower at church
May. Ahhhh, May. May brought bedrest and high blood pressure, swelling, pain and finally, labor. On May 30 at 2:44 am we were blessed by the amazing miracle birth of our daughter and began our daily treks to Northside's NICU to be with her.
June brought the joy of bringing our baby girl home. Sleepless nights and sleepless days (and whoever had the theory of "nap when the baby naps" clearly has had quite a bit of time lapse since they had a newborn) yet absolute happiness with our child.
July brought family-- and lots of it! Doug's family all came in from Virginia and England, and my family came in from NC and California. We all had such a wonderful time visiting and letting Samantha meet all of her cousins.
August brought a quieter month, which was much needed. Mom and Dad came back to visit often, and our little one grew and grew.
September brought our Birthing class reunion, all of us with healthy little girls. We also enjoyed lots of playtime with Samantha's little buddy, Reagan :) It was a month filled with getting to know our little one even more.
October brought our anniversary, Samantha's first Halloween, and her first costume! My first "quiet moment of rememberance" came this month as I remember Hope's EDD.
November brought my birthday (ugh, getting old) and Thanksgiving. We enjoyed having Patricia and Aunt Debbie with us for a quiet celebration.
December brought Samantha's first Christmas, spent with both sets of grandparents in NC. It is so wonderful to watch them all with her. I also observed a quiet moment in memory of little Noah as we past his EDD and what would have been his first birthday.
This year my husband and I have grown closer than I ever imagined, brought together through trial and fear, pain and heartbreak, tears and unimaginable joy. We have added our beautiful daughter to our family, enjoyed the warmth and love of our friends and family, made new friends and said good-bye to others. With open hearts, hands held, daughter in tow, pups bounding along, we welcome 2012 and all it has to bring!
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