Life's clutter, that is. I am finding that I have over-extended myself on multiple levels. In my attempts to fill my social calendar, I realize that I am filling it with things that don't matter. Things that are draining my joy, things that are making me doubt myself and my parenting abilities, my family size, my happiness. It's time to clean out.
I am starting with social commitments. I am surrounding myself with people that I enjoy, friendships that I really want to cultivate. I am working on friendships for my child with people that I want to be around Samantha, children that I think will be her friends for life, friends that can encourage her and have her do the same for them.
I am also cleaning out Facebook. There are so many folks on there that don't even know me, yet I am sharing details on my life with them. It's time to stop. So, I am working through the daunting task of cleaning my friend list up.
I am cleaning out the house, a bit at a time. I started with the kitchen, and it's coming together. It's nice to be clean and organized :) Plus, I am tired of tripping over myself and our material items.
So...here's to decluttering! Let the fun begin :)
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
First Corinthians 13 for Moms
I am not normally one to cross-post another blogger's post, but this so resonated with me that I had to share. As I agonize of the mom-petitions, the countless comments that hurt even when they aren't intended as such, the un-ending milestone charts and worries of developmental delays, I need to have this daily reminder. I plan on printing it and posting it to read daily.
This is taken from Life With Jack.
First Corinthians 13 for Moms
If my child speaks in the tounges of men or of angels, masters sign language at six months and Spanish and Mandarin Chinese by six years, but does not learn to love, she is only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If he has the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge- ABCs at a year, reading by two, writing chapter books in Kindergarten- but does not have love, he is nothing. If I volunteer for every mommy ministry- MOPS, AWANA, Sunday School, and if I give all I possess to the poor (or at least bring loads of groceries to the foodbank), but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy other mother's lifestyle choices or possessions, it does not boast in the areas of my children's natural strengths (while covering for their faults), it is not proud of the way my child potty trained before your child. It does not dishonor others by insisting that my method of parenting is the best, it is not self-seeking-hoping that you'll notice how smart, talented or well rounded I am raising my child to be. It is not easily angered by perceived slights or misjudgements, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth that all of parenting is fueled and driven by God's grace. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preseveres.
Love never fails- even where I have fallen painfully short of God's best for my children. But where there are competitions to see whose body bounces back best after childbirth, they will cease; where there are verbal fights over the correct methods of discipline, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge about the best way to feed and clothe and nurture a child, it will pass away. For we know in part and we parent incompletely, but when they are fully grown, what we thought we knew about raising our children will disappear. When I was a new parent, I thought, spoke and reasoned with immaturity and without grace. As my children grew, I asked God to give me the wisdom to put these childish ways behind me. For now we see our children's future as only a reflection as in a mirror; one day we will behold their adult selves face to face. Now I know in part; then we shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
========================================================================
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,(Q) they will cease; where there are tongues,(R) they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part(S) and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes,(T) what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood(U) behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;(V) then we shall see face to face.(W) Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.(X)
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.(Y) But the greatest of these is love.(Z)
This is taken from Life With Jack.
First Corinthians 13 for Moms
If my child speaks in the tounges of men or of angels, masters sign language at six months and Spanish and Mandarin Chinese by six years, but does not learn to love, she is only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If he has the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge- ABCs at a year, reading by two, writing chapter books in Kindergarten- but does not have love, he is nothing. If I volunteer for every mommy ministry- MOPS, AWANA, Sunday School, and if I give all I possess to the poor (or at least bring loads of groceries to the foodbank), but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy other mother's lifestyle choices or possessions, it does not boast in the areas of my children's natural strengths (while covering for their faults), it is not proud of the way my child potty trained before your child. It does not dishonor others by insisting that my method of parenting is the best, it is not self-seeking-hoping that you'll notice how smart, talented or well rounded I am raising my child to be. It is not easily angered by perceived slights or misjudgements, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth that all of parenting is fueled and driven by God's grace. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preseveres.
Love never fails- even where I have fallen painfully short of God's best for my children. But where there are competitions to see whose body bounces back best after childbirth, they will cease; where there are verbal fights over the correct methods of discipline, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge about the best way to feed and clothe and nurture a child, it will pass away. For we know in part and we parent incompletely, but when they are fully grown, what we thought we knew about raising our children will disappear. When I was a new parent, I thought, spoke and reasoned with immaturity and without grace. As my children grew, I asked God to give me the wisdom to put these childish ways behind me. For now we see our children's future as only a reflection as in a mirror; one day we will behold their adult selves face to face. Now I know in part; then we shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
========================================================================
1 Corinthians 13
New International Version (NIV)
13 If I speak in the tongues[a](A) of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy(B) and can fathom all mysteries(C) and all knowledge,(D) and if I have a faith(E) that can move mountains,(F) but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor(G) and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b](H) but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient,(I) love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.(J) 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,(K) it is not easily angered,(L) it keeps no record of wrongs.(M) 6 Love does not delight in evil(N) but rejoices with the truth.(O) 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.(P)8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,(Q) they will cease; where there are tongues,(R) they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part(S) and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes,(T) what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood(U) behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;(V) then we shall see face to face.(W) Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.(X)
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.(Y) But the greatest of these is love.(Z)
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Raising my Only
As we come to the realization that my body, once again, is not functioning as it should we are faced with being on medical hold in "trying to conceive". And somehow, I am not totally horrified by it as I once was. Yes, it still stings when I hear of how much of a disservice I am doing to my daughter by being an "only child". I'd like to say I have tougher skin than that, but it hurts to have people be so close-minded and judgemental about my family's size (besides, I don't think it will put Samantha at a disadvantage, but that is for another post). Being on hold this time is freeing. I can focus on my daughter, without the added wonder ever month for two weeks, without the anxiety of every pukey-feeling and ovulation twinge, without the horrific sobbing when the test is negative and my period starts. I can BREATHE.
Given that, Doug and I have had some serious discussions about calling it done and that our family is complete with three children in heaven and one here with us. We are both at peace with it, for the most part, and are continuing the discussion as we move along through medical hold.
I feel relief, sadness, joy, peace...all wrapped up into one. I realize that it's all beyond my control. If God has plans for us to have another child we will, but somehow wrapping my brain around Samantha being an "non-lonely only" is helping me enjoy her more.
Today we met some friends at the mall. Samantha and I got there early, so we had the play place to ourselves. I had such a wonderful time watching my daughter explore, climb, slide, laugh and make her happy-monkey face. I found myself thanking God wholeheartedly for my only child- that I could enjoy this special time with just her, and her with just me.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, or next month or next year. But today, this is perfectly enough :)
Given that, Doug and I have had some serious discussions about calling it done and that our family is complete with three children in heaven and one here with us. We are both at peace with it, for the most part, and are continuing the discussion as we move along through medical hold.
I feel relief, sadness, joy, peace...all wrapped up into one. I realize that it's all beyond my control. If God has plans for us to have another child we will, but somehow wrapping my brain around Samantha being an "non-lonely only" is helping me enjoy her more.
Today we met some friends at the mall. Samantha and I got there early, so we had the play place to ourselves. I had such a wonderful time watching my daughter explore, climb, slide, laugh and make her happy-monkey face. I found myself thanking God wholeheartedly for my only child- that I could enjoy this special time with just her, and her with just me.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, or next month or next year. But today, this is perfectly enough :)
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
One year ago today a little baby entered the world, born just a few precious moments before it would have been too late for her to be able to survive. This little miracle baby spent 8 days in the NICU, fought hard to regain her strength, and came finally came home with her loving parents in early June.
By the grace of God, my baby girl is here with us, alive, thriving, laughing, giggling, chattering, crawling, speaking and loving. Here are a few little things that we know about our precious baby girl:
By the grace of God, my baby girl is here with us, alive, thriving, laughing, giggling, chattering, crawling, speaking and loving. Here are a few little things that we know about our precious baby girl:
- She loves her "dee-gees" (doggies) and tries to snuggle with them.
- She has her little routine that she loves in the morning of drinking her bottle then snuggling up with Daddy to wake him for work.
- She claps her hands when I change her diaper.
- She laughs when she crawls behind something and "hides".
- She sneaks food to her "dee-gees" when she's done eating.
- She can crawl a full flight of stairs, and will not hesitate to try to come down on her own, much to my dismay.
- She loves water and will drink several sippy cups a day.
- She is a fabulous snuggler and will pat my shoulder when she's falling asleep for her nap (I pat her back to when I snuggle her settle her down when she cries).
- She loves her glow-worm and will cry if I put him in the toy bucket-- Glow-worm has a special spot on the toy shelf.
- She loves to eat meat; bbq, burger, chicken, steak.
- She doesn't like many veggies.
- She's tough, a fighter and hard-headed like her Mommy.
- She loves to take things apart and try to put them back together like her Daddy.
I could go on and on...this little girl is just so amazing!
Happy first birthday, Samantha! I thank God for you every day, and know that He must have some pretty amazing things planned for you!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Reactions
Today when I went to the bank, I did a deposit at the ATM. The ATM is apparently having issues with transactions involving multiple checks, and it messed up my deposit by $400. Needless to say, I wasn't happy with that so into the branch I stomped, sleeping baby in my arms.
I had already had quite a morning, between a feverish baby and delays at the doctor's office. I was attempting to quickly run errands and get Samantha home for a real nap. Going into the bank wasn't on my list and I think that was clear by the look on my face.
There, I encountered the young woman at the welcome desk who asked if she could help me. After describing what happened, she replied with "Yes, we have been having problems with that ATM. It should fix itself at midnight and adjust your deposit, but if not you can call the 800 number on your card." I saw red instantly. I reiterated that this wasn't acceptable, yada-yada-yada and really made an issue about it. If it was a known fact, why wasn't there a sign or something on that ATM? Why couldn't they fix it? Why me???
After making a total jerk of myself and stomping out of the bank, I drove home in anger. I got no more than halfway there and had a harsh realization. How quick I am to anger. How quick I am to react to that anger. And how wrong that truly is of me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. THUNK...I am very easy to offend. THUNK...I am even quicker to react to that offense. THUNK...that young lady was simply doing her job. THUNK...I owe her an apology. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK...how often in the past 48 hours can I count reactions just like this one, to both strangers and to those I love whether it be in my head and heart, or spoken aloud? I was immediately ashamed.
I drove the rest of the way home in prayer. When I got home and got Samantha snuggled into bed, I made a phone call to that young woman and apologized for my behavior and thanked her for her offer of help. She said I made her day by apologizing, but oh how horrible I felt that I even created a situation like that.
I started off the year by attempting to focus on finding joy, but I haven't been all that successful lately. My outburst today shows how quick I am to judge, anger and react. My heart isn't in the right place, and I pray that I remember this day for a long time. That I pause before reacting, get my raw emotions in check, and react in a manner that honors God. Perhaps that will also help me find my joy.
I had already had quite a morning, between a feverish baby and delays at the doctor's office. I was attempting to quickly run errands and get Samantha home for a real nap. Going into the bank wasn't on my list and I think that was clear by the look on my face.
There, I encountered the young woman at the welcome desk who asked if she could help me. After describing what happened, she replied with "Yes, we have been having problems with that ATM. It should fix itself at midnight and adjust your deposit, but if not you can call the 800 number on your card." I saw red instantly. I reiterated that this wasn't acceptable, yada-yada-yada and really made an issue about it. If it was a known fact, why wasn't there a sign or something on that ATM? Why couldn't they fix it? Why me???
After making a total jerk of myself and stomping out of the bank, I drove home in anger. I got no more than halfway there and had a harsh realization. How quick I am to anger. How quick I am to react to that anger. And how wrong that truly is of me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. THUNK...I am very easy to offend. THUNK...I am even quicker to react to that offense. THUNK...that young lady was simply doing her job. THUNK...I owe her an apology. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK...how often in the past 48 hours can I count reactions just like this one, to both strangers and to those I love whether it be in my head and heart, or spoken aloud? I was immediately ashamed.
I drove the rest of the way home in prayer. When I got home and got Samantha snuggled into bed, I made a phone call to that young woman and apologized for my behavior and thanked her for her offer of help. She said I made her day by apologizing, but oh how horrible I felt that I even created a situation like that.
I started off the year by attempting to focus on finding joy, but I haven't been all that successful lately. My outburst today shows how quick I am to judge, anger and react. My heart isn't in the right place, and I pray that I remember this day for a long time. That I pause before reacting, get my raw emotions in check, and react in a manner that honors God. Perhaps that will also help me find my joy.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Mother's Day
Mother's Day. A day that strikes absolute fear into IF women everywhere, particularly those that have lost a child or multiple children. Mother's Day. A day to celebrate Motherhood, where flowers are given, cards are created, chocolates consumed and lines for brunch can wrap down the side of the "best" places. Mother's Day. A day where I have sat in the back of the sanctuary, tears rolling down my face as Moms stood to the count of the Pastor's numbers, in "games" of who has the most children, the most grandchildren. A day where I couldn't stand up and acknowledge that I too am a Mother, without having a bunch of people look at me and ask when we were due. A day when I had to think of my cousin's aching heart at not having her Mother with her anymore, a day where I spent hours praying for my friends who were also, somehow, enduring the pain of this day.
This year is different. I have a living child. People expect me to want gifts, to want cards, to want chocolate and to want that big brunch. A day to celebrate me. For what? For what achievement? That my child lives? This isn't an accomplishment...it's a miracle. Only by the grace of God do I have this precious little one in my arms.
This year we are making plans with another couple that has a child the same age as Samantha, as well as tentative lunch plans with a couple that doesn't have children. I am not sure; perhaps we could all get together, but I do know that this day will be so different than those of the past few years. I do not feel completely into it, to be honest. I feel like I am faking it, that I will probably approach it as just another day. I don't want to take away from celebrating Motherhood, but also don't want to be the one to cause pain for another.
This Mother's Day, dear friends, please feel free to celebrate if that's your thing. But also, please keep those in mind that some may find this day very painful. Those tear-filled eyes at the back of the church of a woman with empty arms, those anguished cries of those that have lost their Mothers. Remember that even in our joy, we may cause others pain. Remember to give them a hug, show them you care even if you don't totally understand.
This year is different. I have a living child. People expect me to want gifts, to want cards, to want chocolate and to want that big brunch. A day to celebrate me. For what? For what achievement? That my child lives? This isn't an accomplishment...it's a miracle. Only by the grace of God do I have this precious little one in my arms.
This year we are making plans with another couple that has a child the same age as Samantha, as well as tentative lunch plans with a couple that doesn't have children. I am not sure; perhaps we could all get together, but I do know that this day will be so different than those of the past few years. I do not feel completely into it, to be honest. I feel like I am faking it, that I will probably approach it as just another day. I don't want to take away from celebrating Motherhood, but also don't want to be the one to cause pain for another.
This Mother's Day, dear friends, please feel free to celebrate if that's your thing. But also, please keep those in mind that some may find this day very painful. Those tear-filled eyes at the back of the church of a woman with empty arms, those anguished cries of those that have lost their Mothers. Remember that even in our joy, we may cause others pain. Remember to give them a hug, show them you care even if you don't totally understand.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
The Ache of hope
I learned during our times of trying to conceive (ttc) that I am a really unpleasant person when under personal stress. I get snappy, nasty and defensive. I am short on energy and teary, crying easily. TTC brings out the worst in me, in particular during those months where I actually dare to hope.
Our journey is continuing and we are not preventing becoming pregnant again. Now that we have a health all-clear I am daring to hope again. That hope was shattered in January. Now, in May, here I am watching those horrible pee-on-a-stick tests, praying to see two lines instead of one. Here I am slathering on the progesterone supplement, dealing with sore boobs, vomiting, the works...to still see that dreaded single line. Not pregnant. I know it's still a bit early, but I am wound up so tight I can barely think. I hate living life in a "what-if" state regarding pregnancy. I can't eat sandwich meat-- what if I am pregnant? Oops, that was caffienated--what if I am pregnant? Got that new exercise tape-- what if I am pregnant? I feel like I lead my life on hold, just waiting, on edge.
I am ready to honestly say that I am done hoping, that I can't live like this. I am ready to give up hope and just BE. Just be happy, just eat what I want, just enjoy my precious little family exactly how it is. To stop looking at pregnant bellies longingly, to stop wanting to scream at every ultrasound photo, to stop wishing and hoping and the end product being disappointment and tears. I am just ready to be over this part of our life, and I don't know how to get there.
Our journey is continuing and we are not preventing becoming pregnant again. Now that we have a health all-clear I am daring to hope again. That hope was shattered in January. Now, in May, here I am watching those horrible pee-on-a-stick tests, praying to see two lines instead of one. Here I am slathering on the progesterone supplement, dealing with sore boobs, vomiting, the works...to still see that dreaded single line. Not pregnant. I know it's still a bit early, but I am wound up so tight I can barely think. I hate living life in a "what-if" state regarding pregnancy. I can't eat sandwich meat-- what if I am pregnant? Oops, that was caffienated--what if I am pregnant? Got that new exercise tape-- what if I am pregnant? I feel like I lead my life on hold, just waiting, on edge.
I am ready to honestly say that I am done hoping, that I can't live like this. I am ready to give up hope and just BE. Just be happy, just eat what I want, just enjoy my precious little family exactly how it is. To stop looking at pregnant bellies longingly, to stop wanting to scream at every ultrasound photo, to stop wishing and hoping and the end product being disappointment and tears. I am just ready to be over this part of our life, and I don't know how to get there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)