Life keeps going

As my heart still recovers from the loss of Aiden, I am finding that once again life goes on.  People keep moving, as do I.

Today I went out and about with Samantha.  We went to a playgroup and had a nice time (although I need to germify everything now LOL).  My reaching out is going a little better.  I am making new friends, and hope that my child will be able to grow up with some of these children as her playmates.

Now that Samantha is napping, I am feeling introspective again.  But for the first time in quite a while, it's a contented introspective.  I am slowly finding my joy again, in a place that I'd never expect to-- a Mom's club.  I am finding women that I have a lot in common with.  Some of them are IF as well, others are not.  Some of them get it, some of them do in a different way.  It's a peaceful type of feeling, to not feel so alone.  To know that other women struggle the same way I do, even if it is for a different reason.  I feel like I am starting to define me, not letting IF do it for me.

Today is the day the Lord has made.  I am finding that I am rejoicing in it.  :)

Days 3 and 4: Diversions

Yesterday I was unable to find time to log on.  Funny how that is nowadays.  I barely have time to shower, much less anything else. Today is a different story.  Today I have time, or tonight I guess I should say.

There are times that ending the day with joy is next to impossible.  There are days when it's just too dark to do, days when the sorrow is too much to overcome.  I want to find my joy today, but am resigned to the fact that it isn't going to happen.

Instead of searching scripture for my verse on joy, I am going to search for a name for another baby in heaven.  This one gone before we could even celebrate, gone before many even knew he or she existed.

Tonight I am not joyful; I am numb.  I know that sounds harsh, I know that I am to seek comfort in God and seek my joy in Him, but I am still hurting and just can't find that joy tonight.

I don't promise to always succeed in finding joy in this blog, but I do promise to be open and real.  There it is today...

Day 2: Focusing on Joy

Today was a busy day.  Doug was out of town and Mom has been here to help, so I took advantage of the time to clean -- throughly clean-- the house. I vacuumed, dusted, mopped, scrubbed, rearranged, moved and decluttered.  The result?  A clean, organized, refreshed home.  Ahhhhh.....lovely.

Cleaning the house like this reminds me of the cleaning out in my life that I am to do as well, in order to recapture my joy.  I have managed, over time, to surround myself with things or people that are draining my joy.  I have allowed this to happen, sometimes knowingly and others inadvertently, and it is stopping now.  Just stopping isn't enough.  It's time to clean out.

I started with Facebook.  There are people that I am friends with on facebook that are not healthy relationships.  They drain my joy, they cause pain and heartache (not to mention heartburn) and just generally zap me to the point of tears.  I am letting go..."unfriending" so to speak and moving on without them.  Perhaps this is a harsh approach to take, but a boundary line has been drawn and I must stick to it.

Proverbs 15:13    A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit  

My verse today reminds me that just looking joyful isn't enough.  I need to remind myself of God's plan and desire for us to be joyful in Him.  What do I have in my life that could bring me down, when reminded of His grace and mercies?  How can I NOT find joy in my day in light of that?  Focusing on God and his many blessings in my life allow me to let go of the heartache and have a happy heart.  A heart filled with gratitude for God and joy in Him.  As the proverb says, this happiness in my heart will radiate from my face, my smile.  The heartache is gone, no longer crushing my spirit.

Today I found joy in:
-throughly cleaning out my home
-the company of my Mother
-my child learning the fun of a new toy

Today I release:
-the poison of a friendship that is causing heartache
-the worry over Samantha's cardiologist appointment tomorrow
-the angst I feel over planning big events this year and not having family be joyful about them.   If they make my little family happy, I shall plan them.  Whoever shows up, great-- we will celebrate with them and not mourn those that chose to exclude themselves.

Lord, I thank you today for my many blessings.  For my family, my friends and most of all for YOU.  Today I find joy in You, resting in your presence, singing praises to you for my daughter to hear and hopefully remember as she grows.  I thank you for the joy that you brought to my attention in my child, my mother and the seemingly simple act of being a good housewife and spending my time wisely and honorably.  I pray for your guidance and strength on the items that I am letting go of.  I pray for the removal of relationships that are robbing my joy, I pray for Samantha's appointment tomorrow-- that I not be anxious and trust in Your plans for her.  I also pray that as I plan our family celebrations for this year, that I do so without the worry and angst of folks not coming, and that I rejoice with those that do.  I pray all of this in Jesus name, Amen.

My One Word 2012

Last year I decided to participate in My One Word, which is an alternative to the New Year's Resolution.  It gives you one word, one focus, one goal for the year.  Take a look at yourself, and take a look at the person that you want to become, the person that God intends for you to be.  See what you look like as that person, and pick a word to help you get there.

I am participating again this year.  My word for 2012 is "Joy".

I used to be such a joyful person.  I would laugh so much, and would find the happiness in little things.  I enjoyed being around friends and family, and enjoyed spending time alone.  My thoughts and fears didn't haunt me; I had faith in the joy I found on a daily basis.  I am not that person now.  Some of my innocence about life is gone, I have experienced pain.  I am finding my heart goes towards sorrow before joy.  I am not the person that I was, nor the person that I feel I should be.

So this year I am focusing on re-finding my joy.  I will rejoice in my husband, my daughter, my pups, my friends.  I will smile more, laugh often, and try not to let people and situations get to me and get me down.


Psalm 188:24- This is the day which the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it

I have so much to rejoice and be glad for, things that I take for granted and do not recognize as such.  To help myself with this, I commit to writing down a list of three things that I am thankful for each day, things that bring me joy.  I will also commit to writing down three things that bring me down, pray about them, and release them and let go of their hold over me.  By doing this, I pray that I learn to let go of the hurt, fear, anxiety and pain and to rejoice in all of the blessings that I am given-- big or small.

Today I find joy in:
-the sound of my daughter's laughter
-the snuggliness of my pups
-the hug of a friend, even when it's been a while since we last spoke

Today I pray to release:
-the hurt that I feel by being excluded in a place where I hoped to be accepted
-the anxiety I feel about Samantha not crawling
-the fear that I have about being an inadequate Mother

Looking at my list I realize how simple my joys are, and how "big" my items are that I am praying to let go of.  Funny how that is; the bad stuff always seems so big and the joy seems so simple.  I pray that by the end of the year, that focus is reversed!

2011: Remembering our Year

As we begin with a fresh new year, I am taking a moment to look back before jumping on in.  2011 was a big year for us.

In January we travelled to TN to spend time with Doug's folks in Gatlinburg for their vacation.  Mom and Dad met up with us as well.  Fun was had by all, and I was just excited that I could eat and not puke it up.

February was fairly quiet, although we did have unseasonably warm weather.  For my hotter-than-normal body temp, this was lovely!

March was a flurry of planning.  I had two baby showers in April, so March involved getting guest lists together and planning for travel for my Aunts, Sis-in-law and niece.  We also celebrated Doug's birthday, entering his last year in his 30's :)

April brought baby showers and visitors.  It was an overwhelming month for me, feeling so much love towards our child yet still desperately scared that she'd never make it here.

My crazy family!

 Kristin and Aimee, two of my wonderful Baby Shower hostesses :)

 At my shower at church

May.  Ahhhh, May.  May brought bedrest and high blood pressure, swelling, pain and finally, labor.  On May 30 at 2:44 am we were blessed by the amazing miracle birth of our daughter and began our daily treks to Northside's NICU to be with her.

June brought the joy of bringing our baby girl home.  Sleepless nights and sleepless days (and whoever had the theory of "nap when the baby naps" clearly has had quite a bit of time lapse since they had a newborn) yet absolute happiness with our child.

July brought family-- and lots of it!  Doug's family all came in from Virginia and England, and my family came in from NC and California.  We all had such a wonderful time visiting and letting Samantha meet all of her cousins.

August brought a quieter month, which was much needed.  Mom and Dad came back to visit often, and our little one grew and grew.

September brought our Birthing class reunion, all of us with healthy little girls. We also enjoyed lots of playtime with Samantha's little buddy, Reagan :)  It was a month filled with getting to know our little one even more.

October brought our anniversary, Samantha's first Halloween, and her first costume!  My first "quiet moment of rememberance" came this month as I remember Hope's EDD.

November brought my birthday (ugh, getting old) and Thanksgiving.  We enjoyed having Patricia and Aunt Debbie with us for a quiet celebration.

December brought Samantha's first Christmas, spent with both sets of grandparents in NC.  It is so wonderful to watch them all with her.  I also observed a quiet moment in memory of little Noah as we past his EDD and what would have been his first birthday.

This year my husband and I have grown closer than I ever imagined, brought together through trial and fear, pain and heartbreak, tears and unimaginable joy.  We have added our beautiful daughter to our family, enjoyed the warmth and love of our friends and family, made new friends and said good-bye to others.  With open hearts, hands held, daughter in tow, pups bounding along, we welcome 2012 and all it has to bring!

Neither one nor the other

Lately, I think I have lost myself.

For years I have identified with my IF friends.  They "got it" and understood.  I didn't need to explain, I didn't need to hide.  I could feel, I could be.  Now I have a child.  My IF friends feel a little distant.  I no longer share their pain, so it seems.  I am once removed from that world now, by choice or by force.  I shouldn't feel hurt.  I shouldn't feel betrayed.  But I do.  I guess they do too, in a different way.

Now I am a Mother of a living child.  I hang out with other Moms, do the things that Moms do.  Yet I still don't fit it.  I can't talk about "planning for the next child".  I don't know if there will be another.  I can't talk about how I had an "oopsie".  My pregnancy was calculated, tracked, blood-tested, medicated and anything but an oopsie.

My world feels turned up-side-down.  I still have fear that my loved one's pregnancies aren't going to end with a healthy, living child.  I still get disgusted at the blind ignorance of others who treat their bodies horribly during a pregnancy-- yet still have a good outcome.

I don't know where to share my new pain.  The gut-wrenching ache I feel to see someone breastfeed (I couldn't produce and feed my child) or the urge to smack someone I feel when they give me an astounded look and say "You mean she's not crawling or pulling up YET??"  I have entered new territory, where Moms compare themselves and their children constantly and I feel grossly inadequate.  I don't compete well this way...I don't want to.

I find myself crawling back into my shell, some out of self-preservation and some out of the need to Momma-bear protect my baby from the outside world.  I am paring down, weeding out and "de-cluttering" my life, including people that I hang out with.  There are some where it's ok, even if they don't get all of it.  I appreciate them more than they probably know.

I am neither here nor there, neither one thing (IF) or the other (blissful Mom).  I am happy, I am blessed with  my daughter, but I don't feel like ME yet.

Stepping into something new

I have challenged myself to try something new (like I didn't have enough new LOL).  I have joined several Mom's Clubs in our area in an attempt to make friends with other Stay At Home Moms.  Most folks wouldn't see this as a challenge, so let me explain.

For the first few years of my marriage, I avoided situations like this.  It was so hard, so painful, to be around a group of women who easily conceive and carry a child to term.  They had an innocence that I did not have any more.  I felt a bit removed from that joy, as my pregnancies to that point had ended in grief.  I was excluded, not part of the club, and felt very unwelcome around women with children, particularly in social settings.  After the birth of Samantha, I was welcomed into the group, invited to activities, most of which I didn't join into.  That group of women, who had excluded me for years, suddenly welcomed me into the mix.  It felt false, and I walked away (not rudely, I just don't participate).

Instead I am seeking out groups on my own terms.  These women didn't know me "before".  It's a clean slate.  I do not hide my story-- I share it willingly as a testimony to God's amazing blessings-- but it's not the focus of the group.  We are able to share our children, enjoy each other's company, and have fun with or without our children in tow.  In some ways this is refreshing.  In other ways, now I feel like a "faker".  It's a hard spot to be in, hence why this is a challenge for me.

I am slowly getting involved, first with Mom's Night Out meetups, and next week with some that involve the children.  I am expanding my horizons, taking small steps, in an effort to not have my daughter be impacted by my infertility as well as to help my heart heal and enjoy this journey called Motherhood.