Delivery Day

In celebration of our upcoming induction, I went into natural labor!  LOL!!

On Sunday morning around 2 am, I thought I was just having another sleepless night.  I was crampy, moody, and tired.  I started having contractions and dealt with them as I normally would-- I took a shower, laid on one side, then the other, got up and got a snack-- nothing would stop them.  Finally around 4, I woke up Doug to help me count them and time them.

By 8:30 we were into a good pattern with strong contractions every 2-3 minutes, so off to the hospital we went!  My first exam showed that we were 60% effaced and dilated to a 3.  Baby appeared to be in a decent position and station, so we were left alone to do our thing in our L&D room.  Our doula, Annette, was at another birth already, so she sent her back up, Christine, to be with us.  She was just perfect and such a calm, loving person to have around!

I labored well up to 6cm.  I had a lot of bloody show, and my water broke around 5cm dilated without intervention.  As we had planned a natural childbirth, I was ecstatic that things were going so great!  Well, after that water broke, I went downhill quickly.  I still had another several cm to go, and was progressing slowly so it could take hours.  I broke down and asked for the epidural- vehemently asked.  I was exhausted (having only slept an hour), shaking, and just could not continue that way.

After the epidural set in, I was much better.  I didn't even CARE that I couldn't feel half of my body-- just some pressure--or that I had an IV and a catheter in place.  If I wasn't already so in love with Doug, I would have married Eric, our anesthesiologist!  :)

Things progressed nicely, with a little help from pitocin (which I appear to be pitocin resistant, by the way, so induction wouldn't have worked well) to 10 cm and I was ready to push!  Exhausted already, shaking and sick, I pushed and pushed.  The baby went no where.  As we were to find out, she has a very large head, and she got hung up on my bones and simply couldn't get through.  She was posterior, so that didn't help either, and we couldn't get her to turn no matter what position we got into.

At around 2 am Monday morning (24 hours of labor) I started running a fever and could barely keep my eyes open.  After heavy discussion with our amazing OB, we agreed to a c-section.  Things become a little blurry at this point.  I remember lots of people in our room getting me ready, shaving my stomach, giving more anesthetic (thanks again to Eric, who was still on duty) and doing various other tasks for me.  I did throw up all over the place, but no one seemed surprised at that point.

My OB himself wheeled me down to the OR.  They didn't play around with time, which I assumed was normal.  I was quickly put on a table, strapped down, given warm blankets to stop my shivering.  Doug was ushered in and they started to open me up.  I felt some pressure, but that was it.  Before I knew it, the baby was out.  I felt a surge of nothingness- and then looked up at Doug in awe.  I didn't hear her cry at first and was scared, but then heard little mewing sounds.  Doug looked at me with tears in his eyes and snapped lots of photos.  The OB told me that she was having trouble breathing and was going to the nursery-- I sent Doug with her.

I got all stitched up, and in listening to the OR conversation, gathered that there was something very very wrong with the baby-- something about blood loss and a malformed placenta.  I was terrified.  As I was wheeled past the nursery, I noticed that Doug, Mom and Dad didn't look ecstatic and happy-- they looked scared.  My doula came into the recovery room and explained words I never wanted to hear.

My daughter began to go into a distressed state as I went into the c-section.  Her heart rate plummeted, which is why they cut me open so quickly.  When they pulled her out, she was bleeding out of her cord. Her cord had detached from the placenta, which was malformed.  Due to that, she had lost a lot of blood from her body, through her cord and into the amniotic sac.  She had then aspirated and swallowed some of that blood. They feared for her lungs (pneumonia) and her respiration as they had to artificially breathe for her for nearly 5 minutes.  They also feared because she had lost so much blood.  She got a blood transfusion right away, as well as quite a bit of fluids.  The decision was made by the head pediatrician that she was too unstable and needed to be in the NICU of the main hospital here in Atlanta.

Both my OB and the Pediatrician spoke to Doug and I about her condition prior to transport.  My OB explained that had we delayed even a minute longer, or had I insisted on pushing instead of surgery, we would have lost our daughter.  She was bleeding so heavily that we wouldn't have been able to replace that kind of blood and fluid loss and she would have been stillborn.  The Pediatrician went over all of his concerns (lungs, they pumped her stomach to get all of the swallowed blood out, need of fluids, suspected pneumonia) and the need for her to be somewhere that they could properly treat and monitor her 24/7.

I tried desperately to hang on to my sanity hearing this.  A transport team was notified to come up and get her, and I was finally allowed to see my daughter for the first time for a minute or two as they took her away to a different hospital, 45 minutes away.  I will never forget how tiny she looked in that big incubator, and how I bawled letting her go.  I didn't know if I would see my child again.

We prayerfully began the waiting game after her transfer.  Mom and Dad went back to their hotel, Doug went home to sleep and I sat here in the N-side Cherokee hospital praying for God to spare my daughter's life.  Thankfully, good news came in the morning!

Throughout the day, the news continued to improve.  As of yesterday evening, after Doug's visit, Samantha is breathing on her own.  Her oxygen levels are perfect and she's nice and pink instead of grey/white.  She doesn't have any issues with her lungs, and although they had to pump her stomach twice, she hasn't thrown up at all.  She has had two transfusions, lots of fluids, platelets and blood clotting medication.  She's being fed through a tube at the moment, and just sugar water, and loves to suck on her pacifier (good sign for sucking reflex!).  She's just beautiful, and I am forever grateful.

Doug and I finally, last night, were able to sit down together and decompress and talk.  He told me the horror of watching his distressed child be born (he stood up and watched it all) and how grateful he was that she was alive and improving.  In his words "God's fingerprint is on her entire life-- from her conception to her deliver, God has provided".  Had anything in that series of events been different we would have lost our precious child.  Had we been just a little later, had I insisted on pushing, had we been in a different hospital with a different OB and staff.....oh how wrong this could have gone!

We are humbled and thankful.  We don't deserve His mercies and understand what an amazing gift we have been blessed with.  We are in awe of our amazing God and thank Him for this beautiful baby girl.

As we know we aren't out of the woods yet (I am still in the hospital in North Georgia and Samantha is still in the NICU in downtown ATL) we ask for your prayers.  Prayers for healing for Shannen (LOTS of pain currently) and for Samantha (growth, blood pressure, eating, blood loss and transfusions, etc).

Below are the photos that I have of the baby, from when Doug went to visit her with my parents yesterday afternoon:

We are being induced

Our appointment on Thursday yielded a higher blood pressure, more protein in my urine, and a tearful pregnant lady.  My doctor has made the decision to induce labor now that I am full term!

I am being admitted to the hospital on Sunday evening, to begin with the medicine to ripen my cervix (I am 50% effaced) and then will begin the pitocin, if needed, on Monday morning.  We are praying all goes well.  This isn't quite the birth plan that we had (aiming for all-natural, no drugs) but for the safety of both me and Samantha, this is the best route to take.

I am excited, nervous, jittery and ecstatic.  I am still in disbelief that my daughter will be here in a few short days, and still have moments of terror that I will never bring her home.  It's surreal.

I appreciate everyone's prayers- for my precious daughter's health and safety, as well as my own.  I will update as I can!

Quick update on Samantha

I am now on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy, however short that may end up being.  Samantha will be 37 weeks on Saturday, which gives us the all-clear to have her arrive.

My blood pressure is up (PHI) so I am to keep quiet, laying down most of the time on my left side.  So far we have been to the hospital twice, done two 24 hour protein tests and are hoping that our doctor will decide that it's time for the baby to come shortly.

I am doing okay.  Taking things in our usual way, one day at a time, and praying for a healthy baby girl here shortly!

A little bit at a time

A little bit at a time, Samantha's nursery is coming together.  The crib is up, the dresser is full of little clothes, diapers, wipes and blankets.  The bookshelf is up and is quickly filling with wholesome books to read to our little one.  Decorations are on the walls, with just a few remaining to put up.  The rocker is situated in a good corner, complete with the new pillow covers with the purple ruffles, made lovingly by Grandmama.

On top of the hutch sit the various blankets and quilts that have been made by friends and family.  There's the lavender and plaid one from Alyssa, the two crocheted ones from Laura, the pink snuggly one from Mrs. Russell, the fluffy white and purple one from Jen, and the handmade patchwork quilt from Becky.  Each one made with love and care, by people so dear to my heart.

There's so much love in this room already.  I am overwhelmed every time I come in here.  Today, I sit quietly in the rocker, just looking around at the room that we have prepared for our daughter.  I sit in awe and disbelief that in a month or less our child will be here.  The room will be filled with baby smells, baby sounds.  I will sit in this rocker and feed my child-- this so-longed-for precious little girl. I grow more and more grateful every day and can't wait to meet our little Samantha!

Mother's Day

As the "big day" approaches I find myself apprehensive again.  No, I am not referring to delivery day, I am referring to Mother's Day.   I think it's the single-most painful day in an IF woman's year.  A day that celebrates what we are all trying to achieve.  A day that reminds us of what we don't have.  A day that, for so many, is like a smack in the face, a punch in the gut, that makes us crawl back to the safety of home to cry it out and find a way to keep moving.

Last year, Mother's Day was just after our second loss.  I couldn't handle the day.  I couldn't sit there and watch all of the other mothers celebrate their children, while my arms were so heavily empty and my heart so completely broken.  Each commercial celebrating motherhood, showing tiny babies being cuddled and loved, each one was another stab in my heart.  I cried more tears that week than I thought was humanly possible.  I just wanted my babies back.

This year is bittersweet for me.  I miss my babies in Heaven.  I want to honor them, I want to remember them, I want others to do the same.  Yet I know, deep down, that the focus will be on this child that I am carrying now.  That if we are able to go to church, and I stand with the rest of the mothers, that people will be thinking of Samantha, and not of our other two children that have gone on before us.  Not that celebrating Samantha is wrong-- I am still so in awe that we are pregnant-- but it hurts for the other children that are forgotten.  Not just my two, but all of the children of my friends whose arms are still empty.

So this Mother's Day, please remember to keep your IF friends in mind.  This day is so painful, and for those of us brave enough to venture out, one that leaves us shaking inside for days to come.

To my sisters in this journey, you are all in my prayers.  While it may not be widely recognized by others, we ARE Mothers, whether those children are in our arms or our hearts.

Bed Rest

Well, today is day one of my bed rest.  Let's just say that I am bored, shall we?

Yesterday I finally caved and called my ObGyn to discuss my contractions.  I get them a lot, particularly when I am seated then stand, or laying down then stand.  Walking around can be a chore.  Also, Samantha wasn't as wiggly as normal, and that concerned me.  Off to the doc we went!  As I was being hooked up to the machine that would monitor contractions and Samantha's heartrate, the little booger started wiggling around, happy as a clam.  Also, the contractions stopped.  Sigh....now that I look like a lunatic, let's move on.

So, Doc put me on bedrest!  Apparently gravity is taking it's toll on my body, due to my larger-than-her-gestational-age daughter.  She's already in position and has dropped so that she's pushing on my cervix and causing the contractions.  Thankfully, I am not dilated yet :)  The bedrest is so that I stay gravity-neutral in attempts to pull her up just a bit and stop the contractions.  I can get up and around the house a bit (and am encouraged to do so to prevent blood clots) and take short outings to the chiropractor and doc's office, but otherwise, I am to stay quiet.

So, now I am on a quest to find a good study, a good book, a good movie....anything to keep occupied!  Suggestions are welcome :)