And then there is grief

Today I put myself out into the Facebook world.  I posted something that I typically don't do.  I posted something truly from my heart instead of the flippant, make you laugh-or-cringe type of thing I would normally do.  Something real, not artificial or superficial.

I posted a "memorial" of sorts for my second child.  I got very little response.  Those that did respond weren't surprises....these are ladies that have been there and understand.

It saddens and angers me how many people can't deal with grief.  Or how many simply don't care unless it impacts them.  Perhaps I am reading too much into it as some people didn't see my post.  Or perhaps, as my husband puts it, they just don't know what to say.  But isn't that what the "like" button is for? Or a simple, "remembering with you" statement?  I am not looking for pity.  I am simply looking for acknowledgement. I mean, really, if I can acknowledge that your cat coughed up his fifth furball of the day onto your rug, can't you acknowledge my child that is now in Heaven?

So many people want to put a timeline on grief.  After a month, I am supposed to be all better.  Or at least I should pretend that I am so as not to inconvenience anyone.  But guess what.....I am not all better.  Yes, I am thankful for this blessing that I am carrying, but she doesn't "replace" the babies before her.  She has her own special spot in my heart, just as they have theirs.

Today was tough.  It was a reality check.  It saddens me that my child is forgotten.   It saddens me that it pains people for me to share.  It saddens me that people can't be real and must present a front to the rest of the world.  But, of course, life goes on, one day at a time.

One year ago...remembering my second child

One year ago Doug and I found out that we were expecting.  This was our second pregnancy.  This was the one that would come to be known as "the ectopic" on my medical records.  This was the pregnancy that both filled my heart with hope and left me devastated and broken, sobbing for the child that we would never hold.

I didn't suspect that I was pregnant.  I had gone shopping with a friend to pick out fabrics for our new draperies, and started to feel dizzy.  Patterns were making me sick to my stomach and no amount of food seemed to help.  I headed for home, still unsuspecting of the life growing inside me.  That evening, I took a pregnancy test.  Then another.  Then another.  All came back positive.  I cried happy tears and held my husband close.  Our dreams had come true!

The doctor's appointment the following Monday confirmed the pregnancy and gave me a strong hCg number.  My progesterone was borderline and I was told not to worry- it was early and it would increase.  I followed up on Wednesday with another blood draw to find that the numbers had exactly doubled-- my baby was doing well!

By that Friday I began to suspect something was wrong.  I had started spotting and feeling crampy.  I called my doctor, who let me come in.  She took a look, reassured me that spotting was normal and did another blood draw.  All weekend, I knew something wasn't right.  On Monday it was confirmed.  The bloodwork showed that our baby was dying.  To say that I was devastated doesn't begin to describe the horror.  I called Doug and he headed home.  We both spent the day in tears.

I called my specialist, who began additional bloodwork.  The series of tests over the next 21 days were exhausting.  Blood draws, exams....it was never ending.  My levels danced around the charts as they discovered that the reason for our loss was that the baby had implanted on my right ovary instead.  We were given the option to take a shot that would terminate any growing cells in hopes of saving my ovary.  We refused the medication and opted for prayer.  Thankfully, my next series of bloodwork showed that the baby had passed on it's own and that my body was healing itself.

I look back at that time and remember the horror of losing another child.  I remember how alone I felt and how horrifying it was to do something as simple as go to the restroom.  Every needle prick, every exam, every cramp reminded me that my baby had died.  Watching people around me take care of their children was like a punch in the stomach.  I wanted my baby back.  I cried for my baby, I cried for me, I cried for Doug.  I didn't think I'd ever recover.

Today I look back at that day that I got the positive pregnancy test and I want to tell myself to treasure the good feelings.  To hold onto that hope and to tell that baby every day how much Mommy loves him or her.  Today I look back on the horrible days that followed with feelings of sadness.  I miss my child, but know that one day I will meet him or her in Heaven.

Until then, my precious second child, Mommy loved you while she had you and continues to love you to this day.  While I didn't hold you in my arms, I will always hold you in my heart.

Oh the things that change!

The other day I was chatting with a friend that I have known for years.  This friend knew me "before".  Before my becoming a Christian, before my struggles with infertility.  She has seen me change from the wild twenty-something in the fractured marriage to the woman I am today.  In other words, she's seen the good, bad and the ugly.

Her comment to me was "If I hadn't seen you through all of this, I don't think I'd know you.  If we hadn't been in touch, I would never think you were the girl I knew back then."

While not surprising, it was eye-opening.

The girl I was back then was very career-driven.  I wanted the best car, the best house, the perfect dog, the perfect-looking husband.  I spent more on shoes than on groceries and made it a point to appear at all of THE social functions in the city.  It mattered to me that I looked perfect in pictures, and that my clothes had the best label out there.

The girl I am today is less worldly.  I don't have to have the latest fashion, and while I don't dress frumpy, I probably don't look trendy either.  I enjoy my job, but wouldn't call myself career-driven.  My family is more important than my job.  I shop in sales and consignment shops.  I budget-- and actually mean it.

I don't look at the world the same, so I don't expect that the world would see me the same.

I pray that I am able to instill some of that into my daughter :)

The final third

Well, here I am in disbelief that I am actually in my third trimester of this pregnancy.  My baby girl will be here in 12 short weeks.  I will be able to see her, hold her, feed her, and tell her that I love her.  I will learn to recognize her cries.  I will do countless loads of laundry from all of the baby spit up.  I will be able to see my husband hold his daughter, my parents hold their grand daughter.

I will enjoy every moment that I still have in this pregnancy, swollen feet and all.  I will treasure every kick, every punch, every dash to the bathroom as she hits my bladder with scary accuracy.

I will also keep my friends in prayer.  My dear friends that are still walking their path of infertility, crying out to God to bless their wombs.  I will love them, sometimes from afar, as they struggle daily.  I will not forget how painful it is.  I will not take this for granted.

Feeling Crafty

I recently purchased a new sewing machine and have been thrilled with it!  I am enjoying being crafty again, and am having fun finding new baby items to make out of my old clothes that I never wear anymore.  Here are a few of the items I have made:

PJ pants.  These are for me, so that I can quit stealing Doug's pants.  None of mine fit me right now :)

Bib for Samantha;  matches  my pj pants :)

Burp cloths, obviously for the baby.  I also made a few boy-patterned cloths for a friend that is expecting shortly after me.

Pillowcase dresses.  This is the simplest pattern!  I will change out the green ribbon for white ribbon on the purple dress, but for now, here they are:

Baby skirts.  The pink one is for a newborn (this summer) and the green and white layered one is for next summer.  Both are gathered waists, so that I can adjust it to fit her tummy at the time :)

I am sure as I get better at this I will include more photos.  In the meantime, I am enjoying making little items for Samantha and spending some time preparing for this precious little girl.

Is this really real?

Today I went to two more consignment sales looking for baby "stuff".  As I was in the check out line for the last one, I suddenly felt very odd.  Like I was outside looking in.  I was amazed to see myself standing there, with baby clothes, toys and bows in hand.  And it is for MY child.  It was surreal.

There have been so many times over the past year that I never thought this would happen.  I find myself rubbing my belly to get her to move as proof that she's really still in there.  I try to picture what life will be like when she arrives, and just can't.

I am not a person that believes in "jinxing" things, but somehow...buying these baby items is scary.  And exciting.  And terrifying.  And it all just leaves me quietly in awe, praying for her safe arrival in 14 weeks.

I just want to hold my baby, and KNOW she's here.

I will never...

Throughout our IF journey I found myself starting so many statements this way.  I will never wear belly-tight shirts when pg.  I will never chat baby stuff for an entire conversation.  I will never be a soccer mom.  I will never form opinions on others pregnancies.

I can add a new statement now.  I will never live all of that down!  I am totally eating my words!

Yes, I wear belly-tight shirts now.  I love my baby belly.  I worked hard to get here.  Besides, I am outgrowing my clothes, so it's not really a fashion statement as much as it is a budget statement.  I will draw the line, however, at my belly hanging out of the bottom of my shirt :)

Yes, I now chat about baby stuff constantly.  I am sorry-- it's simply what is the biggest happening in my life right now.  So much is changing and talking about it helps.  Granted, I am careful about my audience, but still...

Yes, I own an SUV.  And I will carpool when the day comes.  I will also drive in a more careful manner and have sun-blockers in the backseat windows.

Yes, I am voicing my opinions on my friends' pregnancies.  Not to be judgemental, but to share in what I have learned to hopefully spare them some pain.

Its a little scary how much my life has changed.  Where I used to be SO sensitive to others talking non-stop about their baby bellies, their children and their plans to have another child, I am finding myself joyfully joining in.  I am still aware of the people around me and watch for other's reactions (and that pained face that I know all-too-well) but I finally have something to add.  Now I am sensitive to my IF friends' and their criticism of those of us that are pg.  Yes, IF is a huge part of my life.  It has impacted everything I am and do.  It has also impacted my current pregnancy....and I treasure this baby in my belly all that much more!

So go on....make fun of me for rubbing my belly.  Say that you'll never do that if you ever get pg.  But just you wait...when that little one is pummeling your insides, I bet you rub your belly to soothe the baby too!