One year ago...remembering my second child

One year ago Doug and I found out that we were expecting.  This was our second pregnancy.  This was the one that would come to be known as "the ectopic" on my medical records.  This was the pregnancy that both filled my heart with hope and left me devastated and broken, sobbing for the child that we would never hold.

I didn't suspect that I was pregnant.  I had gone shopping with a friend to pick out fabrics for our new draperies, and started to feel dizzy.  Patterns were making me sick to my stomach and no amount of food seemed to help.  I headed for home, still unsuspecting of the life growing inside me.  That evening, I took a pregnancy test.  Then another.  Then another.  All came back positive.  I cried happy tears and held my husband close.  Our dreams had come true!

The doctor's appointment the following Monday confirmed the pregnancy and gave me a strong hCg number.  My progesterone was borderline and I was told not to worry- it was early and it would increase.  I followed up on Wednesday with another blood draw to find that the numbers had exactly doubled-- my baby was doing well!

By that Friday I began to suspect something was wrong.  I had started spotting and feeling crampy.  I called my doctor, who let me come in.  She took a look, reassured me that spotting was normal and did another blood draw.  All weekend, I knew something wasn't right.  On Monday it was confirmed.  The bloodwork showed that our baby was dying.  To say that I was devastated doesn't begin to describe the horror.  I called Doug and he headed home.  We both spent the day in tears.

I called my specialist, who began additional bloodwork.  The series of tests over the next 21 days were exhausting.  Blood draws, exams....it was never ending.  My levels danced around the charts as they discovered that the reason for our loss was that the baby had implanted on my right ovary instead.  We were given the option to take a shot that would terminate any growing cells in hopes of saving my ovary.  We refused the medication and opted for prayer.  Thankfully, my next series of bloodwork showed that the baby had passed on it's own and that my body was healing itself.

I look back at that time and remember the horror of losing another child.  I remember how alone I felt and how horrifying it was to do something as simple as go to the restroom.  Every needle prick, every exam, every cramp reminded me that my baby had died.  Watching people around me take care of their children was like a punch in the stomach.  I wanted my baby back.  I cried for my baby, I cried for me, I cried for Doug.  I didn't think I'd ever recover.

Today I look back at that day that I got the positive pregnancy test and I want to tell myself to treasure the good feelings.  To hold onto that hope and to tell that baby every day how much Mommy loves him or her.  Today I look back on the horrible days that followed with feelings of sadness.  I miss my child, but know that one day I will meet him or her in Heaven.

Until then, my precious second child, Mommy loved you while she had you and continues to love you to this day.  While I didn't hold you in my arms, I will always hold you in my heart.