Currently so many aspects of my life are being spent waiting. Waiting for the end of a work day, waiting for the weekend when I can really enjoy my little family. I really dislike wishing time away, as it makes me feel that I am ungrateful for every moment.
As I look inward (oh boy, introspection) I realize that I do have moments that I am not grateful for. I have moments when I am angry and resentful, or despairing and depressed in what is going on at that point in time. I forget to count my little blessings, and instead focus on what I DON'T have at that moment. Today is one of those times.
As I sit here listening to a never-ending conference call at work, I can hear my daughter upstairs with her nanny. While I do adore the nanny and know that she is taking fabulous care of my daughter, I am resentful that I am stuck here working. Resentful that someone other than me is playing with Samantha. Depressed at the poor choices that have led me to have to still work after Samantha's birth. I am angry and sad all at once.
As an exercise in "thinking" my way out of my funk and depression, I am trying to list out my blessings. I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl. I have a husband that loves me. I have two crazy fur-babies that entertain us with their antics. I have loving friends and family. I have a home that is safe and comfortable.
In the grand scheme of things, this is just a day. It's just a moment in time that will pass. I pray that I remember to be grateful, not angry, and enjoy every moment to the best of my ability.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Baby Dedication Day
1 Samuel 1:27-28
27For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:
28Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD.
Samantha was dedicated to the Lord this past Sunday. Present were her grandparents, Auntie Patricia, and Dr. and Mrs. Litrel (the doctor who delivered Samantha). Here are a few photos from our day:
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Yes, I am still infertile
A few friends have made comments about life with infertility after having a baby and how it affects you. I hadn't ever really allowed myself to think about it, as my focus has been on Samantha and getting her here nice and healthy. Now that she has arrived and is thriving, I am allowing myself to consider my life "after pregnancy".
I am still infertile. Having a child doesn't change that fact. I still have issues with ovulating, I still have blood sugar issues, I still have PCOS. While I am very grateful to have my child, it doesn't change my medical diagnosis. Nor does it change my heart.
This is the first month post-partum that I have had a cycle. Doug and I are attempting to delay another child (which just makes me laugh, it's so sad to think of) for health reasons and allowing me to properly heal from the c-section. Because of this, I am monitoring my chart again, which is such a harsh reminder that my body just doesn't work "properly" 90% of the time. Here I am on day 35, throwing up from my metformin, with no indication of ovulation, which of course means no period. I feel defective again. I actually took a pregnancy test this morning again, fully expecting to see one line. Yes, that was the case. Negative. So...not pregnant. Just not functioning either.
I have come to the conclusion that this journey with infertility will never be over even after we decide to stop trying for more children permanently. My heart will be forever impacted by the multiple cycles hope, anticipation and disappointment. The key that I need to find though, is making sure that this impact doesn't harden my heart, but instead opens it to help others in these same shoes.
I am still infertile. Having a child doesn't change that fact. I still have issues with ovulating, I still have blood sugar issues, I still have PCOS. While I am very grateful to have my child, it doesn't change my medical diagnosis. Nor does it change my heart.
This is the first month post-partum that I have had a cycle. Doug and I are attempting to delay another child (which just makes me laugh, it's so sad to think of) for health reasons and allowing me to properly heal from the c-section. Because of this, I am monitoring my chart again, which is such a harsh reminder that my body just doesn't work "properly" 90% of the time. Here I am on day 35, throwing up from my metformin, with no indication of ovulation, which of course means no period. I feel defective again. I actually took a pregnancy test this morning again, fully expecting to see one line. Yes, that was the case. Negative. So...not pregnant. Just not functioning either.
I have come to the conclusion that this journey with infertility will never be over even after we decide to stop trying for more children permanently. My heart will be forever impacted by the multiple cycles hope, anticipation and disappointment. The key that I need to find though, is making sure that this impact doesn't harden my heart, but instead opens it to help others in these same shoes.
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