Yes, I am still infertile

A few friends have made comments about life with infertility after having a baby and how it affects you. I hadn't ever really allowed myself to think about it, as my focus has been on Samantha and getting her here nice and healthy.  Now that she has arrived and is thriving, I am allowing myself to consider my life "after pregnancy".

I am still infertile.  Having a child doesn't change that fact.  I still have issues with ovulating, I still have blood sugar issues, I still have PCOS.  While I am very grateful to have my child, it doesn't change my medical diagnosis.  Nor does it change my heart.

This is the first month post-partum that I have had a cycle.  Doug and I are attempting to delay another child (which just makes me laugh, it's so sad to think of) for health reasons and allowing me to properly heal from the c-section.  Because of this, I am monitoring my chart again, which is such a harsh reminder that my body just doesn't work "properly" 90% of the time.  Here I am on day 35, throwing up from my metformin, with no indication of ovulation, which of course means no period.  I feel defective again.  I actually took a pregnancy test this morning again, fully expecting to see one line.  Yes, that was the case.  Negative.  So...not pregnant.  Just not functioning either.

I have come to the conclusion that this journey with infertility will never be over even after we decide to stop trying for more children permanently.  My heart will be forever impacted by the multiple cycles hope, anticipation and disappointment.  The key that I need to find though, is making sure that this impact doesn't harden my heart, but instead opens it to help others in these same shoes.