Stepping into something new

I have challenged myself to try something new (like I didn't have enough new LOL).  I have joined several Mom's Clubs in our area in an attempt to make friends with other Stay At Home Moms.  Most folks wouldn't see this as a challenge, so let me explain.

For the first few years of my marriage, I avoided situations like this.  It was so hard, so painful, to be around a group of women who easily conceive and carry a child to term.  They had an innocence that I did not have any more.  I felt a bit removed from that joy, as my pregnancies to that point had ended in grief.  I was excluded, not part of the club, and felt very unwelcome around women with children, particularly in social settings.  After the birth of Samantha, I was welcomed into the group, invited to activities, most of which I didn't join into.  That group of women, who had excluded me for years, suddenly welcomed me into the mix.  It felt false, and I walked away (not rudely, I just don't participate).

Instead I am seeking out groups on my own terms.  These women didn't know me "before".  It's a clean slate.  I do not hide my story-- I share it willingly as a testimony to God's amazing blessings-- but it's not the focus of the group.  We are able to share our children, enjoy each other's company, and have fun with or without our children in tow.  In some ways this is refreshing.  In other ways, now I feel like a "faker".  It's a hard spot to be in, hence why this is a challenge for me.

I am slowly getting involved, first with Mom's Night Out meetups, and next week with some that involve the children.  I am expanding my horizons, taking small steps, in an effort to not have my daughter be impacted by my infertility as well as to help my heart heal and enjoy this journey called Motherhood.