Lately, I think I have lost myself.
For years I have identified with my IF friends. They "got it" and understood. I didn't need to explain, I didn't need to hide. I could feel, I could be. Now I have a child. My IF friends feel a little distant. I no longer share their pain, so it seems. I am once removed from that world now, by choice or by force. I shouldn't feel hurt. I shouldn't feel betrayed. But I do. I guess they do too, in a different way.
Now I am a Mother of a living child. I hang out with other Moms, do the things that Moms do. Yet I still don't fit it. I can't talk about "planning for the next child". I don't know if there will be another. I can't talk about how I had an "oopsie". My pregnancy was calculated, tracked, blood-tested, medicated and anything but an oopsie.
My world feels turned up-side-down. I still have fear that my loved one's pregnancies aren't going to end with a healthy, living child. I still get disgusted at the blind ignorance of others who treat their bodies horribly during a pregnancy-- yet still have a good outcome.
I don't know where to share my new pain. The gut-wrenching ache I feel to see someone breastfeed (I couldn't produce and feed my child) or the urge to smack someone I feel when they give me an astounded look and say "You mean she's not crawling or pulling up YET??" I have entered new territory, where Moms compare themselves and their children constantly and I feel grossly inadequate. I don't compete well this way...I don't want to.
I find myself crawling back into my shell, some out of self-preservation and some out of the need to Momma-bear protect my baby from the outside world. I am paring down, weeding out and "de-cluttering" my life, including people that I hang out with. There are some where it's ok, even if they don't get all of it. I appreciate them more than they probably know.
I am neither here nor there, neither one thing (IF) or the other (blissful Mom). I am happy, I am blessed with my daughter, but I don't feel like ME yet.
I'm not suprised hun. I imagine I would feel the same. I feel like that in many areas of life because of changed circumstances -I wont bore you... :P
ReplyDeleteYou will find your feet though and it will be in a place where you are a Mom but one who knows what many others don't - you carry IF experiences and fears in your heart understandably also... but you are just YOU. Despite what the world tells us I dont think any of us actually just fir in to 1 box. You're you, I'm me - they are they and we should just try to flow with that(does that make sense)
As for competitive Moms... just steer clear, who needs that hassle, thats not Gods intent for us to pit ourselves against eachother.
Your 6 month old shouldn't be pulling up - those women must have kids on steroids LOL
Just relax, enjoy the experience, even if you have to experience a mistake or a delay - is it ever going to be 'perfect' in someone elses eyes or even your own - probably not, so just try not get caught up in it all.
I think you are doing a great job, little Samantha is thriving and you WILL find your feet.
I will pray for you xxx chin up girlie :)
I sooooo hear you Shannen. I don't quite fit in anywhere either. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteLove to you.