As we come to the realization that my body, once again, is not functioning as it should we are faced with being on medical hold in "trying to conceive". And somehow, I am not totally horrified by it as I once was. Yes, it still stings when I hear of how much of a disservice I am doing to my daughter by being an "only child". I'd like to say I have tougher skin than that, but it hurts to have people be so close-minded and judgemental about my family's size (besides, I don't think it will put Samantha at a disadvantage, but that is for another post). Being on hold this time is freeing. I can focus on my daughter, without the added wonder ever month for two weeks, without the anxiety of every pukey-feeling and ovulation twinge, without the horrific sobbing when the test is negative and my period starts. I can BREATHE.
Given that, Doug and I have had some serious discussions about calling it done and that our family is complete with three children in heaven and one here with us. We are both at peace with it, for the most part, and are continuing the discussion as we move along through medical hold.
I feel relief, sadness, joy, peace...all wrapped up into one. I realize that it's all beyond my control. If God has plans for us to have another child we will, but somehow wrapping my brain around Samantha being an "non-lonely only" is helping me enjoy her more.
Today we met some friends at the mall. Samantha and I got there early, so we had the play place to ourselves. I had such a wonderful time watching my daughter explore, climb, slide, laugh and make her happy-monkey face. I found myself thanking God wholeheartedly for my only child- that I could enjoy this special time with just her, and her with just me.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, or next month or next year. But today, this is perfectly enough :)
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