One year ago today a little baby entered the world, born just a few precious moments before it would have been too late for her to be able to survive.  This little miracle baby spent 8 days in the NICU, fought hard to regain her strength, and came finally came home with her loving parents in early June.

By the grace of God, my baby girl is here with us, alive, thriving, laughing, giggling, chattering, crawling, speaking and loving.  Here are a few little things that we know about our precious baby girl:

• She loves her "dee-gees" (doggies) and tries to snuggle with them.
• She has her little routine that she loves in the morning of drinking her bottle then snuggling up with Daddy to wake him for work.  
• She claps her hands when I change her diaper.  
• She laughs when she crawls behind something and "hides".  
• She sneaks food to her "dee-gees" when she's done eating.  
• She can crawl a full flight of stairs, and will not hesitate to try to come down on her own, much to my dismay.  
• She loves water and will drink several sippy cups a day.  
• She is a fabulous snuggler and will pat my shoulder when she's falling asleep for her nap (I pat her back to when I snuggle her settle her down when she cries).
• She loves her glow-worm and will cry if I put him in the toy bucket-- Glow-worm has a special spot on the toy shelf.
• She loves to eat meat; bbq, burger, chicken, steak.
• She doesn't like many veggies.
• She's tough, a fighter and hard-headed like her Mommy.
• She loves to take things apart and try to put them back together like her Daddy.

I could go on and on...this little girl is just so amazing!

Happy first birthday, Samantha!  I thank God for you every day, and know that He must have some pretty amazing things planned for you!

Reactions

Today when I went to the bank, I did a deposit at the ATM.  The ATM is apparently having issues with transactions involving multiple checks, and it messed up my deposit by $400.  Needless to say, I wasn't happy with that so into the branch I stomped, sleeping baby in my arms.

I had already had quite a morning, between a feverish baby and delays at the doctor's office.  I was attempting to quickly run errands and get Samantha home for a real nap.  Going into the bank wasn't on my list and I think that was clear by the look on my face.

There, I encountered the young woman at the welcome desk who asked if she could help me.  After describing what happened, she replied with "Yes, we have been having problems with that ATM.  It should fix itself at midnight and adjust your deposit, but if not you can call the 800 number on your card."  I saw red instantly.  I reiterated that this wasn't acceptable, yada-yada-yada and really made an issue about it.  If it was a known fact, why wasn't there a sign or something on that ATM?  Why couldn't they fix it?  Why me???

After making a total jerk of myself and stomping out of the bank, I drove home in anger.  I got no more than halfway there and had a harsh realization.  How quick I am to anger.  How quick I am to react to that anger.  And how wrong that truly is of me.  It hit me like a ton of bricks. THUNK...I am very easy to offend.   THUNK...I am even quicker to react to that offense.  THUNK...that young lady was simply doing her job.  THUNK...I owe her an apology.  THUNK, THUNK, THUNK...how often in the past 48 hours can I count reactions just like this one, to both strangers and to those I love whether it be in my head and heart, or spoken aloud?  I was immediately ashamed.

I drove the rest of the way home in prayer.  When I got home and got Samantha snuggled into bed, I made a phone call to that young woman and apologized for my behavior and thanked her for her offer of help.  She said I made her day by apologizing, but oh how horrible I felt that I even created a situation like that.

I started off the year by attempting to focus on finding joy, but I haven't been all that successful lately.  My outburst today shows how quick I am to judge, anger and react.  My heart isn't in the right place, and I pray that I remember this day for a long time.  That I pause before reacting, get my raw emotions in check, and react in a manner that honors God.  Perhaps that will also help me find my joy.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day.  A day that strikes absolute fear into IF women everywhere, particularly those that have lost a child or multiple children.  Mother's Day.  A day to celebrate Motherhood, where flowers are given, cards are created, chocolates consumed and lines for brunch can wrap down the side of the "best" places. Mother's Day.  A day where I have sat in the back of the sanctuary, tears rolling down my face as Moms stood to the count of the Pastor's numbers, in "games" of who has the most children, the most grandchildren.  A day where I couldn't stand up and acknowledge that I too am a Mother, without having a bunch of people look at me and ask when we were due. A day when I had to think of my cousin's aching heart at not having her Mother with her anymore, a day where I spent hours praying for my friends who were also, somehow, enduring the pain of this day.

This year is different.  I have a living child.  People expect me to want gifts, to want cards, to want chocolate and to want that big brunch.  A day to celebrate me.  For what?  For what achievement?  That my child lives?  This isn't an accomplishment...it's a miracle.  Only by the grace of God do I have this precious little one in my arms.

This year we are making plans with another couple that has a child the same age as Samantha, as well as tentative lunch plans with a couple that doesn't have children.  I am not sure; perhaps we could all get together, but I do know that this day will be so different than those of the past few years.  I do not feel completely into it, to be honest. I feel like I am faking it, that I will probably approach it as just another day.  I don't want to take away from celebrating Motherhood, but also don't want to be the one to cause pain for another.

This Mother's Day, dear friends, please feel free to celebrate if that's your thing.  But also, please keep those in mind that some may find this day very painful.  Those tear-filled eyes at the back of the church of a woman with empty arms, those anguished cries of those that have lost their Mothers.  Remember that even in our joy, we may cause others pain.  Remember to give them a hug, show them you care even if you don't totally understand.

The Ache of hope

I learned during our times of trying to conceive (ttc) that I am a really unpleasant person when under personal stress.  I get snappy, nasty and defensive.  I am short on energy and teary, crying easily.  TTC brings out the worst in me, in particular during those months where I actually dare to hope.

Our journey is continuing and we are not preventing becoming pregnant again.  Now that we have a health all-clear I am daring to hope again.  That hope was shattered in January.  Now, in May, here I am watching those horrible pee-on-a-stick tests, praying to see two lines instead of one.  Here I am slathering on the progesterone supplement, dealing with sore boobs, vomiting, the works...to still see that dreaded single line.  Not pregnant.  I know it's still a bit early, but I am wound up so tight I can barely think.  I hate living life in a "what-if" state regarding pregnancy. I can't eat sandwich meat-- what if I am pregnant?  Oops, that was caffienated--what if I am pregnant?  Got that new exercise tape-- what if I am pregnant?  I feel like I lead my life on hold, just waiting, on edge.

I am ready to honestly say that I am done hoping, that I can't live like this.  I am ready to give up hope and just BE.  Just be happy, just eat what I want, just enjoy my precious little family exactly how it is.  To stop looking at pregnant bellies longingly, to stop wanting to scream at every ultrasound photo, to stop wishing and hoping and the end product being disappointment and tears. I am just ready to be over this part of our life, and I don't know how to get there.