I learned during our times of trying to conceive (ttc) that I am a really unpleasant person when under personal stress. I get snappy, nasty and defensive. I am short on energy and teary, crying easily. TTC brings out the worst in me, in particular during those months where I actually dare to hope.
Our journey is continuing and we are not preventing becoming pregnant again. Now that we have a health all-clear I am daring to hope again. That hope was shattered in January. Now, in May, here I am watching those horrible pee-on-a-stick tests, praying to see two lines instead of one. Here I am slathering on the progesterone supplement, dealing with sore boobs, vomiting, the works...to still see that dreaded single line. Not pregnant. I know it's still a bit early, but I am wound up so tight I can barely think. I hate living life in a "what-if" state regarding pregnancy. I can't eat sandwich meat-- what if I am pregnant? Oops, that was caffienated--what if I am pregnant? Got that new exercise tape-- what if I am pregnant? I feel like I lead my life on hold, just waiting, on edge.
I am ready to honestly say that I am done hoping, that I can't live like this. I am ready to give up hope and just BE. Just be happy, just eat what I want, just enjoy my precious little family exactly how it is. To stop looking at pregnant bellies longingly, to stop wanting to scream at every ultrasound photo, to stop wishing and hoping and the end product being disappointment and tears. I am just ready to be over this part of our life, and I don't know how to get there.
Shannen,
ReplyDeleteSaying a prayer for you this morning for peace & to truly be able to let go and leave the stress of this at the feet of Jesus, finding contentment right where you are. There is an incredible release when you let go & let whatever will be....just be, trusting that His plans are so much better than our own. Sending my love.
Alyssa, all I can say is "I love you" sweet sister. I appreciate the prayers; I am in a tough spot right now and seem to have lost my contentment somewhere along the way.
DeleteContentment is a hard thing to find, but an easy thing to lose! I'm learning that thanksgiving is the only way to find peace again & joy & contentment. Giving thanks for everything....but ugh. It's a difficult thing to do - to look for God's blessings everywhere (because they truly are all around us, even in our ordinary every day lives). It's just a matter of perspective & living with eyes wide open to see His gifts & His graces. If & when you have time....pick yourself up a copy of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It will blow your mind & change your heart....it's filled with the "secrets" of living a full & joyful life, right where you are. ((hugs))
DeleteShannen,
ReplyDeleteI hope that you know and that I have shown you that even tho we are at different places that I want to become better friends and to be there with you. I want you to be able to come to me when you are "a really unpleasant person when under personal stress. I get snappy, nasty and defensive. I am short on energy and teary, crying easily. " I want to celebrate and I don't want you to think for a moment that I won't listen or cry with you or grab ice cream with you or just sit with you when you need someone to just sit and cry or laugh or whatever just because i have 2 amazing lil natural boys :)
I believe God lets people cross paths for reasons and its not to be taken lightly :) I want you to know that I am so glad that we are becoming pals and mommy friends and really you know my door is ALWAYS open to you! Hugs and you know i am going to always need some pink girly Samantha time--thanks for being you and sharing your world i mean one day we will be planning Carter and Samantha's wedding so...... Hee hee!
Hugs !
Georgia, my dear girl, YES I know that you are one of my friends who "gets it while not getting it" ROFL!! I know you love me through good and bad, and I feel blessed to have you in my life. And you know I love those two little "natural boys" (I am snort-laughing at that description, by the way) to bits! Big hugs my friend, and I am going to bypass the icecream offer and say let's hit the cupcake shop instead :) xoxo
DeleteWish I could just give you a big hug! I'm so there right now, too, although in different circumstances. Where did all those lessons I've learned these past 4 years go? :-)
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