For someone that has never walked the road of miscarriage or infertility, that may sound like a horrible statement. It's not made out of jealousy or anger. It's not because of the silly baby shower games or masses of sugar that are consumed. It's because seeing those baby items, and being surrounded by talk of motherhood can cause pain unlike anything I imagined. I didn't realize that it was possible to be SO HAPPY for a friend or loved one, yet feel SO miserable in my gut just wishing my babies were still with us. While still in the process of losing our second child, I attended a good friend's baby shower. I will never forget the all-consuming ache that I felt for that hour and a half as I busied myself with helping serve food and taking pictures. I will never forget the embarrassment that I felt at the end of the shower when, unable to contain myself, I ended up in the kitchen in tears, just praying that no one would see me. I didn't want to spoil anyones fun, or take away from anyone's joy.
Tomorrow is a big step for me. I still expect to feel that pang of missing my babies in Heaven. I still expect to be consumed by fear of losing this precious little girl growing in my tummy. I still expect to busy myself with the food and taking pictures. I still expect to have my friends that are still struggling to conceive weigh heavy on my heart.
So, I step forward with an open heart and slightly trembling hand...and I pray that I am able to fully celebrate the new life that my friend and her husband have created. This precious little boy, this beautiful little miracle.
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