Lately, I think I have lost myself.
For years I have identified with my IF friends. They "got it" and understood. I didn't need to explain, I didn't need to hide. I could feel, I could be. Now I have a child. My IF friends feel a little distant. I no longer share their pain, so it seems. I am once removed from that world now, by choice or by force. I shouldn't feel hurt. I shouldn't feel betrayed. But I do. I guess they do too, in a different way.
Now I am a Mother of a living child. I hang out with other Moms, do the things that Moms do. Yet I still don't fit it. I can't talk about "planning for the next child". I don't know if there will be another. I can't talk about how I had an "oopsie". My pregnancy was calculated, tracked, blood-tested, medicated and anything but an oopsie.
My world feels turned up-side-down. I still have fear that my loved one's pregnancies aren't going to end with a healthy, living child. I still get disgusted at the blind ignorance of others who treat their bodies horribly during a pregnancy-- yet still have a good outcome.
I don't know where to share my new pain. The gut-wrenching ache I feel to see someone breastfeed (I couldn't produce and feed my child) or the urge to smack someone I feel when they give me an astounded look and say "You mean she's not crawling or pulling up YET??" I have entered new territory, where Moms compare themselves and their children constantly and I feel grossly inadequate. I don't compete well this way...I don't want to.
I find myself crawling back into my shell, some out of self-preservation and some out of the need to Momma-bear protect my baby from the outside world. I am paring down, weeding out and "de-cluttering" my life, including people that I hang out with. There are some where it's ok, even if they don't get all of it. I appreciate them more than they probably know.
I am neither here nor there, neither one thing (IF) or the other (blissful Mom). I am happy, I am blessed with my daughter, but I don't feel like ME yet.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Stepping into something new
I have challenged myself to try something new (like I didn't have enough new LOL). I have joined several Mom's Clubs in our area in an attempt to make friends with other Stay At Home Moms. Most folks wouldn't see this as a challenge, so let me explain.
For the first few years of my marriage, I avoided situations like this. It was so hard, so painful, to be around a group of women who easily conceive and carry a child to term. They had an innocence that I did not have any more. I felt a bit removed from that joy, as my pregnancies to that point had ended in grief. I was excluded, not part of the club, and felt very unwelcome around women with children, particularly in social settings. After the birth of Samantha, I was welcomed into the group, invited to activities, most of which I didn't join into. That group of women, who had excluded me for years, suddenly welcomed me into the mix. It felt false, and I walked away (not rudely, I just don't participate).
Instead I am seeking out groups on my own terms. These women didn't know me "before". It's a clean slate. I do not hide my story-- I share it willingly as a testimony to God's amazing blessings-- but it's not the focus of the group. We are able to share our children, enjoy each other's company, and have fun with or without our children in tow. In some ways this is refreshing. In other ways, now I feel like a "faker". It's a hard spot to be in, hence why this is a challenge for me.
I am slowly getting involved, first with Mom's Night Out meetups, and next week with some that involve the children. I am expanding my horizons, taking small steps, in an effort to not have my daughter be impacted by my infertility as well as to help my heart heal and enjoy this journey called Motherhood.
For the first few years of my marriage, I avoided situations like this. It was so hard, so painful, to be around a group of women who easily conceive and carry a child to term. They had an innocence that I did not have any more. I felt a bit removed from that joy, as my pregnancies to that point had ended in grief. I was excluded, not part of the club, and felt very unwelcome around women with children, particularly in social settings. After the birth of Samantha, I was welcomed into the group, invited to activities, most of which I didn't join into. That group of women, who had excluded me for years, suddenly welcomed me into the mix. It felt false, and I walked away (not rudely, I just don't participate).
Instead I am seeking out groups on my own terms. These women didn't know me "before". It's a clean slate. I do not hide my story-- I share it willingly as a testimony to God's amazing blessings-- but it's not the focus of the group. We are able to share our children, enjoy each other's company, and have fun with or without our children in tow. In some ways this is refreshing. In other ways, now I feel like a "faker". It's a hard spot to be in, hence why this is a challenge for me.
I am slowly getting involved, first with Mom's Night Out meetups, and next week with some that involve the children. I am expanding my horizons, taking small steps, in an effort to not have my daughter be impacted by my infertility as well as to help my heart heal and enjoy this journey called Motherhood.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Walking away
Tonight Doug and I had a long chat over my internet usage and the websites I visit. None of them are bad websites or anything, but they do consume an inordinate amount of my time and are beginning to impact my view of the outside world. Let me try to explain...
Our journey through infertility has left me somewhat jaded. I no longer take pregnancy announcements with true joy in my heart, and spend the first 14 weeks of my friend's pregnancies in fear that something is going to happen and they will lose their baby. I know too well what CAN happen, and it impacts the joy that I should feel for them. I also look with envy at those that appear to have the "perfectly functioning" body. The ones that plan to have a baby and BOOM the next month are announcing they are pregnant. Why is it so easy for some and others wait and wait and sometimes never bring home a living child? I feel anger and resentment, not just for myself, but for those other ladies in my life that want so desperately to have children and are unable to. It has become a focus in my life, and one that is warping my sense of joy in God's miracles-- even those that aren't realized as such.
Our journey has also left me with a bitter taste in my mouth for insensitive comments. I no longer respond with patience and love, but instead with anger and hostility. I hold on to those comments, mulling them around in my head until they sour my heart. I want so badly to be able to let go and turn the other cheek, but am unable to do so when surrounded by constant hurt and disappointment.
One forum that I frequent is a Christian forum dealing with infertility. This forum has been my crutch for the past few years, but it is now such a focus for me. I have surrounded myself with others in pain, therefore am no longer able to pull away and feel joyous. I need to step away and recharge, so that I am able to properly love and support these women who have become my friends. I can no longer be the hypocrite telling someone to look for the joy when I can not seem to find my own.
As I approach Thanksgiving, I am doing an exercise with myself that will focus on weeding out things in my life that I feel are holding me in. I am paring down my facebook list, my website list, even my social calendar, in hopes of reclaiming me and the joyful girl that I was...the one I want my daughter to see as she grows. The one that laughs, and loves, and embraces life and all of her blessings. The one that feels the pain, embraces it, and keeps moving....not forgetting, but honoring and moving forward with it. The one that loves her friends, supports her friends and grows with them-- in good times and in sorrow-- in true Christian fellowship.
I am embracing a new journey, to a new and improved me. A me with the right focus; God, my family, and my friends.
Thanks for following my journey, and I pray that you will continue to walk beside me as I take a slight turn in the road.
Our journey through infertility has left me somewhat jaded. I no longer take pregnancy announcements with true joy in my heart, and spend the first 14 weeks of my friend's pregnancies in fear that something is going to happen and they will lose their baby. I know too well what CAN happen, and it impacts the joy that I should feel for them. I also look with envy at those that appear to have the "perfectly functioning" body. The ones that plan to have a baby and BOOM the next month are announcing they are pregnant. Why is it so easy for some and others wait and wait and sometimes never bring home a living child? I feel anger and resentment, not just for myself, but for those other ladies in my life that want so desperately to have children and are unable to. It has become a focus in my life, and one that is warping my sense of joy in God's miracles-- even those that aren't realized as such.
Our journey has also left me with a bitter taste in my mouth for insensitive comments. I no longer respond with patience and love, but instead with anger and hostility. I hold on to those comments, mulling them around in my head until they sour my heart. I want so badly to be able to let go and turn the other cheek, but am unable to do so when surrounded by constant hurt and disappointment.
One forum that I frequent is a Christian forum dealing with infertility. This forum has been my crutch for the past few years, but it is now such a focus for me. I have surrounded myself with others in pain, therefore am no longer able to pull away and feel joyous. I need to step away and recharge, so that I am able to properly love and support these women who have become my friends. I can no longer be the hypocrite telling someone to look for the joy when I can not seem to find my own.
As I approach Thanksgiving, I am doing an exercise with myself that will focus on weeding out things in my life that I feel are holding me in. I am paring down my facebook list, my website list, even my social calendar, in hopes of reclaiming me and the joyful girl that I was...the one I want my daughter to see as she grows. The one that laughs, and loves, and embraces life and all of her blessings. The one that feels the pain, embraces it, and keeps moving....not forgetting, but honoring and moving forward with it. The one that loves her friends, supports her friends and grows with them-- in good times and in sorrow-- in true Christian fellowship.
I am embracing a new journey, to a new and improved me. A me with the right focus; God, my family, and my friends.
Thanks for following my journey, and I pray that you will continue to walk beside me as I take a slight turn in the road.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Finding me again
Today I pulled out my crafty side again. Last night I worked on a few dresses for the baby, managing to make shirts more than dresses, as she's already outgrown the onesies I used (oopsie), but they turned out cute. Tonight I worked on bows. I have five that turned out quite nice, if I do say so myself.
I also made dinner for my cousin and aunt. I made a pot roast, mashed potatoes and green beans, as well as italian parmesan beer bread (sounds weird, but totally yummy). Everything was a hit and I was really happy with how it all turned out.
It feels good to DO again, to create something useful. I have always enjoyed making things like this, and am starting to enjoy cooking too. It is nice to feel like I am contributing and have something tangible to show for my work.
Now, if I can just get this hot glue off my hands before tomorrow....
I also made dinner for my cousin and aunt. I made a pot roast, mashed potatoes and green beans, as well as italian parmesan beer bread (sounds weird, but totally yummy). Everything was a hit and I was really happy with how it all turned out.
It feels good to DO again, to create something useful. I have always enjoyed making things like this, and am starting to enjoy cooking too. It is nice to feel like I am contributing and have something tangible to show for my work.
Now, if I can just get this hot glue off my hands before tomorrow....
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Adjustments
I wasn't under the warped impression that being a stay-at-home-mom was going to be a cakewalk. I knew that raising a child takes hard work, discipline and lots of love. There's actual effort involved to truly care for a baby. I wasn't prepared to be more tired than I was working 50-60 hours a week at my full-time job. Being a Mom never stops; I am "on duty" 24/7. I don't even go tinkle by myself all that often anymore. My hair is often washed but not fixed and makeup is a going-out-of-the-house thing to do. If I make it out of my comfy clothes then I am doing well that day.
I still have no regrets. I miss being more financially able to go out to eat at nice restaurants, buy whatever clothing I wanted to and have my hair and nails done. But I wouldn't trade this for the world!
I am starting a new blog, in addition to this family one, which will go into more detail about living on one income, and adjusting to living on less in a world that demands more. My plan is to include budget ideas, simple recipes (that are healthy AND inexpensive) and catalogue my journey into a "reduced yet increased lifestyle" :) Here's the link: http://reducedyetincreased.blogspot.com/ I hope to see you there!
On a more personal update, my appointment with my doctor went well. I still have a ways to go in regards to getting back into "healthy" but we are grateful to know that the emergency delivery of Samantha will have no lasting effects on our fertility that we are able to see now. Praise God for this blessing!
Samantha is now five months old and is rolling over in all directions. She doesn't like to be on her tummy, so she often just flips back onto her back and she loves to stand up with support. She's still in the lower percentiles for her weight, but is in the 89th percentile for her height. She's chubby and happy; we are so blessed to have this child!
I still have no regrets. I miss being more financially able to go out to eat at nice restaurants, buy whatever clothing I wanted to and have my hair and nails done. But I wouldn't trade this for the world!
I am starting a new blog, in addition to this family one, which will go into more detail about living on one income, and adjusting to living on less in a world that demands more. My plan is to include budget ideas, simple recipes (that are healthy AND inexpensive) and catalogue my journey into a "reduced yet increased lifestyle" :) Here's the link: http://reducedyetincreased.blogspot.com/ I hope to see you there!
On a more personal update, my appointment with my doctor went well. I still have a ways to go in regards to getting back into "healthy" but we are grateful to know that the emergency delivery of Samantha will have no lasting effects on our fertility that we are able to see now. Praise God for this blessing!
Samantha is now five months old and is rolling over in all directions. She doesn't like to be on her tummy, so she often just flips back onto her back and she loves to stand up with support. She's still in the lower percentiles for her weight, but is in the 89th percentile for her height. She's chubby and happy; we are so blessed to have this child!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The only constant thing is change
Tomorrow is my last day of work outside of the home. Tomorrow is the last day that I will wake up, grab the baby, change her diaper, grab a bottle and dash down to the basement office to log into work. Tomorrow is the last day that I will sit in this basement office listening to the laughter and cries of my daughter. Tomorrow is the last day that I shed tears, agonizing over missing precious time of my child's babyhood.
My life over the past several years has been smothered in change. Moving across the country, starting a new job, finding a new home, making new friends. Then getting engaged, then married. Then losing our precious Hope, followed by losing little Noah. Finally getting pregnant with Samantha, giving birth, surviving the NICU and bringing her home.
Tomorrow is the start of a new journey for my little family. One that I know will involve challenges and struggles, frustration and heartache. I also know that it will be the most rewarding change thus far. One that I know will involve smiles and laughter, hugs and milestones met.
Tomorrow is a new Me...and I welcome tomorrow with open arms!
My life over the past several years has been smothered in change. Moving across the country, starting a new job, finding a new home, making new friends. Then getting engaged, then married. Then losing our precious Hope, followed by losing little Noah. Finally getting pregnant with Samantha, giving birth, surviving the NICU and bringing her home.
Tomorrow is the start of a new journey for my little family. One that I know will involve challenges and struggles, frustration and heartache. I also know that it will be the most rewarding change thus far. One that I know will involve smiles and laughter, hugs and milestones met.
Tomorrow is a new Me...and I welcome tomorrow with open arms!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Four months
Four months ago our little miracle joined us. She has changed quite a bit from her first day of life. She's happy and active, vocal and playful. She has a hard-headed streak (no CLUE where that came from, tee hee hee) and is quite a fighter. She's a determined little girl who isn't afraid to share her opinion, even at this early age. She's an absolute joy and I thank God for her every day!
Here's little miss Samantha, shot a few days ago with her proud Papa :)
I am still in such awe that we were blessed with this sweet child, and can not imagine our lives without her.
Here's little miss Samantha, shot a few days ago with her proud Papa :)
I am still in such awe that we were blessed with this sweet child, and can not imagine our lives without her.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Living in limbo
Currently so many aspects of my life are being spent waiting. Waiting for the end of a work day, waiting for the weekend when I can really enjoy my little family. I really dislike wishing time away, as it makes me feel that I am ungrateful for every moment.
As I look inward (oh boy, introspection) I realize that I do have moments that I am not grateful for. I have moments when I am angry and resentful, or despairing and depressed in what is going on at that point in time. I forget to count my little blessings, and instead focus on what I DON'T have at that moment. Today is one of those times.
As I sit here listening to a never-ending conference call at work, I can hear my daughter upstairs with her nanny. While I do adore the nanny and know that she is taking fabulous care of my daughter, I am resentful that I am stuck here working. Resentful that someone other than me is playing with Samantha. Depressed at the poor choices that have led me to have to still work after Samantha's birth. I am angry and sad all at once.
As an exercise in "thinking" my way out of my funk and depression, I am trying to list out my blessings. I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl. I have a husband that loves me. I have two crazy fur-babies that entertain us with their antics. I have loving friends and family. I have a home that is safe and comfortable.
In the grand scheme of things, this is just a day. It's just a moment in time that will pass. I pray that I remember to be grateful, not angry, and enjoy every moment to the best of my ability.
As I look inward (oh boy, introspection) I realize that I do have moments that I am not grateful for. I have moments when I am angry and resentful, or despairing and depressed in what is going on at that point in time. I forget to count my little blessings, and instead focus on what I DON'T have at that moment. Today is one of those times.
As I sit here listening to a never-ending conference call at work, I can hear my daughter upstairs with her nanny. While I do adore the nanny and know that she is taking fabulous care of my daughter, I am resentful that I am stuck here working. Resentful that someone other than me is playing with Samantha. Depressed at the poor choices that have led me to have to still work after Samantha's birth. I am angry and sad all at once.
As an exercise in "thinking" my way out of my funk and depression, I am trying to list out my blessings. I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl. I have a husband that loves me. I have two crazy fur-babies that entertain us with their antics. I have loving friends and family. I have a home that is safe and comfortable.
In the grand scheme of things, this is just a day. It's just a moment in time that will pass. I pray that I remember to be grateful, not angry, and enjoy every moment to the best of my ability.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Baby Dedication Day
1 Samuel 1:27-28
27For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:
28Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD.
Samantha was dedicated to the Lord this past Sunday. Present were her grandparents, Auntie Patricia, and Dr. and Mrs. Litrel (the doctor who delivered Samantha). Here are a few photos from our day:
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Yes, I am still infertile
A few friends have made comments about life with infertility after having a baby and how it affects you. I hadn't ever really allowed myself to think about it, as my focus has been on Samantha and getting her here nice and healthy. Now that she has arrived and is thriving, I am allowing myself to consider my life "after pregnancy".
I am still infertile. Having a child doesn't change that fact. I still have issues with ovulating, I still have blood sugar issues, I still have PCOS. While I am very grateful to have my child, it doesn't change my medical diagnosis. Nor does it change my heart.
This is the first month post-partum that I have had a cycle. Doug and I are attempting to delay another child (which just makes me laugh, it's so sad to think of) for health reasons and allowing me to properly heal from the c-section. Because of this, I am monitoring my chart again, which is such a harsh reminder that my body just doesn't work "properly" 90% of the time. Here I am on day 35, throwing up from my metformin, with no indication of ovulation, which of course means no period. I feel defective again. I actually took a pregnancy test this morning again, fully expecting to see one line. Yes, that was the case. Negative. So...not pregnant. Just not functioning either.
I have come to the conclusion that this journey with infertility will never be over even after we decide to stop trying for more children permanently. My heart will be forever impacted by the multiple cycles hope, anticipation and disappointment. The key that I need to find though, is making sure that this impact doesn't harden my heart, but instead opens it to help others in these same shoes.
I am still infertile. Having a child doesn't change that fact. I still have issues with ovulating, I still have blood sugar issues, I still have PCOS. While I am very grateful to have my child, it doesn't change my medical diagnosis. Nor does it change my heart.
This is the first month post-partum that I have had a cycle. Doug and I are attempting to delay another child (which just makes me laugh, it's so sad to think of) for health reasons and allowing me to properly heal from the c-section. Because of this, I am monitoring my chart again, which is such a harsh reminder that my body just doesn't work "properly" 90% of the time. Here I am on day 35, throwing up from my metformin, with no indication of ovulation, which of course means no period. I feel defective again. I actually took a pregnancy test this morning again, fully expecting to see one line. Yes, that was the case. Negative. So...not pregnant. Just not functioning either.
I have come to the conclusion that this journey with infertility will never be over even after we decide to stop trying for more children permanently. My heart will be forever impacted by the multiple cycles hope, anticipation and disappointment. The key that I need to find though, is making sure that this impact doesn't harden my heart, but instead opens it to help others in these same shoes.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
As the days fly by
As the days fly by I realize that Samantha is nearly two months old. She's doing well, eating nicely and growing like a weed. She smiles occasionally (she's a very serious baby) and will happily play on her playmat and "talk" to her toys.
We did manage to get the rare photo with Daddy this afternoon, so here they are to enjoy! I love watching Doug with Samantha...it makes my heart smile :)
We did manage to get the rare photo with Daddy this afternoon, so here they are to enjoy! I love watching Doug with Samantha...it makes my heart smile :)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
One Month
Today I had a little surprise when I looked at the calendar. My daughter is one month old today. Wow, how time flies! This snuck up on me, and I am startled to admit that I don't know where the month went. It has been such a blur, albeit a happy one.
Samantha now is 21 1/4 inches long, and weighs 8 lbs 7 oz. She's growing appropriately and the pediatrician is happy with her progress. She smiles now and is a happy girl. I am in awe at our miracle daughter and am so happy!!
Here are a few photos:
Also today I received the wonderful news that another of my IF friends delivered her son, Reagan. God is great!!!
Samantha now is 21 1/4 inches long, and weighs 8 lbs 7 oz. She's growing appropriately and the pediatrician is happy with her progress. She smiles now and is a happy girl. I am in awe at our miracle daughter and am so happy!!
Here are a few photos:
Also today I received the wonderful news that another of my IF friends delivered her son, Reagan. God is great!!!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Details, details
Yesterday I had a visit with my Ob-Gyn to check in on my c-section scar and healing. We discussed a bit more of what happened during birth.
Samantha's cord was not properly attached to the placenta, which is why it became dislodged and she began bleeding out in the womb. The condition is very rare, and is called a Velamentous cord insertion. My OB is a high risk OB; he and his partners have delivered over 10,000 babies. Samantha is the second VCI they have seen.
After doing a little research (bad idea) I found that the fetal death rate with this condition is really high. Most babies are stillbirth. I am horrified, yet also realize how insanely blessed we are to have this baby here with us.
So, my little Samantha, Mommy is so happy to have you and thanks God everyday for His many mercies!
Samantha's cord was not properly attached to the placenta, which is why it became dislodged and she began bleeding out in the womb. The condition is very rare, and is called a Velamentous cord insertion. My OB is a high risk OB; he and his partners have delivered over 10,000 babies. Samantha is the second VCI they have seen.
After doing a little research (bad idea) I found that the fetal death rate with this condition is really high. Most babies are stillbirth. I am horrified, yet also realize how insanely blessed we are to have this baby here with us.
So, my little Samantha, Mommy is so happy to have you and thanks God everyday for His many mercies!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Today
Today I am trying to take the time to really watch my daughter. To memorize her little noises, to notice her varied expressions, to listen to her breathe.
Today I am remembering to rest and relax.
Today I am thankful. As I look at the photos of Samantha's birth day, I am thankful that this little miracle is here and squeaking next to me.
Today I am pensive. I am remembering with a heavy heart, all of my friends that are still awaiting their living children. I am trying to be respectful of their pain while still sharing my joy.
Today I am trying not to think about tomorrow. I want to take in each minute, live in each moment, and enjoy every second of my day with my daughter.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Samantha is home!
Sorry for the late notice, but our precious daughter came home with us on Monday night- one week after her admittance to the NICU. We are thankful and overwhelmed with joy!
She's doing great! She squeaks like a mouse nearly constantly and loves to be held. I guess she's making up for the loss of snuggle time in the NICU. Doug and I are TIRED but have never been happier! I'll post more pics when I can :)
She's doing great! She squeaks like a mouse nearly constantly and loves to be held. I guess she's making up for the loss of snuggle time in the NICU. Doug and I are TIRED but have never been happier! I'll post more pics when I can :)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The hardest thing
As I sit here in the NICU with my daughter I realize that everything else that has happened in my life is being somewhat put into perspective by this. I never knew the difficulty of seeing your child hooked up to tubes and monitors, knowing that she is receiving top-notch care yet still desperately wanting to pick her up and run out the door.
I know, in my logical self, that she's doing better. She isn't in pain, she isn't going downhill, she is improving. But, my emotional self is battling. I want to hold my child, rock her, feed her and love her without monitors beeping with every move I make. I want to hear her cry at night and know that I there to comfort her. I want to be able to look at her and make sure she's warm and comfy anytime I please.
The hardest thing is leaving each night, knowing that if my child cries for Mommy that I am not here. I pray that she will be home soon.
On a more clinical, update note Samantha is doing well. She is taking bottles more often now, which is good. She must be bottle fed only for 48 hours before we can take her home, which we are praying we will hit tomorrow. Each feeding is an emotional ordeal for me, although Doug is handing it much better than I so he does a lot of the feedings. Her blood results have come back in and she did not inherit my beta thalassemia, which is a great relief to Doug and I. She is showing no signs of infection and is no longer on IV tubes for medication or fluids. We will be having an ultrasound done on her heart tomorrow at some point, although the neonatologist does not think that we have a serious issue there-- they are playing it safe based on what they are hearing/seeing with her heart. She's a different baby than the one that was rushed in here a week ago, and we thank God daily for the miracles he is working in our lives.
I know, in my logical self, that she's doing better. She isn't in pain, she isn't going downhill, she is improving. But, my emotional self is battling. I want to hold my child, rock her, feed her and love her without monitors beeping with every move I make. I want to hear her cry at night and know that I there to comfort her. I want to be able to look at her and make sure she's warm and comfy anytime I please.
The hardest thing is leaving each night, knowing that if my child cries for Mommy that I am not here. I pray that she will be home soon.
On a more clinical, update note Samantha is doing well. She is taking bottles more often now, which is good. She must be bottle fed only for 48 hours before we can take her home, which we are praying we will hit tomorrow. Each feeding is an emotional ordeal for me, although Doug is handing it much better than I so he does a lot of the feedings. Her blood results have come back in and she did not inherit my beta thalassemia, which is a great relief to Doug and I. She is showing no signs of infection and is no longer on IV tubes for medication or fluids. We will be having an ultrasound done on her heart tomorrow at some point, although the neonatologist does not think that we have a serious issue there-- they are playing it safe based on what they are hearing/seeing with her heart. She's a different baby than the one that was rushed in here a week ago, and we thank God daily for the miracles he is working in our lives.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Delivery Day
In celebration of our upcoming induction, I went into natural labor! LOL!!
On Sunday morning around 2 am, I thought I was just having another sleepless night. I was crampy, moody, and tired. I started having contractions and dealt with them as I normally would-- I took a shower, laid on one side, then the other, got up and got a snack-- nothing would stop them. Finally around 4, I woke up Doug to help me count them and time them.
By 8:30 we were into a good pattern with strong contractions every 2-3 minutes, so off to the hospital we went! My first exam showed that we were 60% effaced and dilated to a 3. Baby appeared to be in a decent position and station, so we were left alone to do our thing in our L&D room. Our doula, Annette, was at another birth already, so she sent her back up, Christine, to be with us. She was just perfect and such a calm, loving person to have around!
I labored well up to 6cm. I had a lot of bloody show, and my water broke around 5cm dilated without intervention. As we had planned a natural childbirth, I was ecstatic that things were going so great! Well, after that water broke, I went downhill quickly. I still had another several cm to go, and was progressing slowly so it could take hours. I broke down and asked for the epidural- vehemently asked. I was exhausted (having only slept an hour), shaking, and just could not continue that way.
After the epidural set in, I was much better. I didn't even CARE that I couldn't feel half of my body-- just some pressure--or that I had an IV and a catheter in place. If I wasn't already so in love with Doug, I would have married Eric, our anesthesiologist! :)
Things progressed nicely, with a little help from pitocin (which I appear to be pitocin resistant, by the way, so induction wouldn't have worked well) to 10 cm and I was ready to push! Exhausted already, shaking and sick, I pushed and pushed. The baby went no where. As we were to find out, she has a very large head, and she got hung up on my bones and simply couldn't get through. She was posterior, so that didn't help either, and we couldn't get her to turn no matter what position we got into.
At around 2 am Monday morning (24 hours of labor) I started running a fever and could barely keep my eyes open. After heavy discussion with our amazing OB, we agreed to a c-section. Things become a little blurry at this point. I remember lots of people in our room getting me ready, shaving my stomach, giving more anesthetic (thanks again to Eric, who was still on duty) and doing various other tasks for me. I did throw up all over the place, but no one seemed surprised at that point.
My OB himself wheeled me down to the OR. They didn't play around with time, which I assumed was normal. I was quickly put on a table, strapped down, given warm blankets to stop my shivering. Doug was ushered in and they started to open me up. I felt some pressure, but that was it. Before I knew it, the baby was out. I felt a surge of nothingness- and then looked up at Doug in awe. I didn't hear her cry at first and was scared, but then heard little mewing sounds. Doug looked at me with tears in his eyes and snapped lots of photos. The OB told me that she was having trouble breathing and was going to the nursery-- I sent Doug with her.
I got all stitched up, and in listening to the OR conversation, gathered that there was something very very wrong with the baby-- something about blood loss and a malformed placenta. I was terrified. As I was wheeled past the nursery, I noticed that Doug, Mom and Dad didn't look ecstatic and happy-- they looked scared. My doula came into the recovery room and explained words I never wanted to hear.
My daughter began to go into a distressed state as I went into the c-section. Her heart rate plummeted, which is why they cut me open so quickly. When they pulled her out, she was bleeding out of her cord. Her cord had detached from the placenta, which was malformed. Due to that, she had lost a lot of blood from her body, through her cord and into the amniotic sac. She had then aspirated and swallowed some of that blood. They feared for her lungs (pneumonia) and her respiration as they had to artificially breathe for her for nearly 5 minutes. They also feared because she had lost so much blood. She got a blood transfusion right away, as well as quite a bit of fluids. The decision was made by the head pediatrician that she was too unstable and needed to be in the NICU of the main hospital here in Atlanta.
Both my OB and the Pediatrician spoke to Doug and I about her condition prior to transport. My OB explained that had we delayed even a minute longer, or had I insisted on pushing instead of surgery, we would have lost our daughter. She was bleeding so heavily that we wouldn't have been able to replace that kind of blood and fluid loss and she would have been stillborn. The Pediatrician went over all of his concerns (lungs, they pumped her stomach to get all of the swallowed blood out, need of fluids, suspected pneumonia) and the need for her to be somewhere that they could properly treat and monitor her 24/7.
I tried desperately to hang on to my sanity hearing this. A transport team was notified to come up and get her, and I was finally allowed to see my daughter for the first time for a minute or two as they took her away to a different hospital, 45 minutes away. I will never forget how tiny she looked in that big incubator, and how I bawled letting her go. I didn't know if I would see my child again.
We prayerfully began the waiting game after her transfer. Mom and Dad went back to their hotel, Doug went home to sleep and I sat here in the N-side Cherokee hospital praying for God to spare my daughter's life. Thankfully, good news came in the morning!
Throughout the day, the news continued to improve. As of yesterday evening, after Doug's visit, Samantha is breathing on her own. Her oxygen levels are perfect and she's nice and pink instead of grey/white. She doesn't have any issues with her lungs, and although they had to pump her stomach twice, she hasn't thrown up at all. She has had two transfusions, lots of fluids, platelets and blood clotting medication. She's being fed through a tube at the moment, and just sugar water, and loves to suck on her pacifier (good sign for sucking reflex!). She's just beautiful, and I am forever grateful.
Doug and I finally, last night, were able to sit down together and decompress and talk. He told me the horror of watching his distressed child be born (he stood up and watched it all) and how grateful he was that she was alive and improving. In his words "God's fingerprint is on her entire life-- from her conception to her deliver, God has provided". Had anything in that series of events been different we would have lost our precious child. Had we been just a little later, had I insisted on pushing, had we been in a different hospital with a different OB and staff.....oh how wrong this could have gone!
We are humbled and thankful. We don't deserve His mercies and understand what an amazing gift we have been blessed with. We are in awe of our amazing God and thank Him for this beautiful baby girl.
As we know we aren't out of the woods yet (I am still in the hospital in North Georgia and Samantha is still in the NICU in downtown ATL) we ask for your prayers. Prayers for healing for Shannen (LOTS of pain currently) and for Samantha (growth, blood pressure, eating, blood loss and transfusions, etc).
Below are the photos that I have of the baby, from when Doug went to visit her with my parents yesterday afternoon:
On Sunday morning around 2 am, I thought I was just having another sleepless night. I was crampy, moody, and tired. I started having contractions and dealt with them as I normally would-- I took a shower, laid on one side, then the other, got up and got a snack-- nothing would stop them. Finally around 4, I woke up Doug to help me count them and time them.
By 8:30 we were into a good pattern with strong contractions every 2-3 minutes, so off to the hospital we went! My first exam showed that we were 60% effaced and dilated to a 3. Baby appeared to be in a decent position and station, so we were left alone to do our thing in our L&D room. Our doula, Annette, was at another birth already, so she sent her back up, Christine, to be with us. She was just perfect and such a calm, loving person to have around!
I labored well up to 6cm. I had a lot of bloody show, and my water broke around 5cm dilated without intervention. As we had planned a natural childbirth, I was ecstatic that things were going so great! Well, after that water broke, I went downhill quickly. I still had another several cm to go, and was progressing slowly so it could take hours. I broke down and asked for the epidural- vehemently asked. I was exhausted (having only slept an hour), shaking, and just could not continue that way.
After the epidural set in, I was much better. I didn't even CARE that I couldn't feel half of my body-- just some pressure--or that I had an IV and a catheter in place. If I wasn't already so in love with Doug, I would have married Eric, our anesthesiologist! :)
Things progressed nicely, with a little help from pitocin (which I appear to be pitocin resistant, by the way, so induction wouldn't have worked well) to 10 cm and I was ready to push! Exhausted already, shaking and sick, I pushed and pushed. The baby went no where. As we were to find out, she has a very large head, and she got hung up on my bones and simply couldn't get through. She was posterior, so that didn't help either, and we couldn't get her to turn no matter what position we got into.
At around 2 am Monday morning (24 hours of labor) I started running a fever and could barely keep my eyes open. After heavy discussion with our amazing OB, we agreed to a c-section. Things become a little blurry at this point. I remember lots of people in our room getting me ready, shaving my stomach, giving more anesthetic (thanks again to Eric, who was still on duty) and doing various other tasks for me. I did throw up all over the place, but no one seemed surprised at that point.
My OB himself wheeled me down to the OR. They didn't play around with time, which I assumed was normal. I was quickly put on a table, strapped down, given warm blankets to stop my shivering. Doug was ushered in and they started to open me up. I felt some pressure, but that was it. Before I knew it, the baby was out. I felt a surge of nothingness- and then looked up at Doug in awe. I didn't hear her cry at first and was scared, but then heard little mewing sounds. Doug looked at me with tears in his eyes and snapped lots of photos. The OB told me that she was having trouble breathing and was going to the nursery-- I sent Doug with her.
I got all stitched up, and in listening to the OR conversation, gathered that there was something very very wrong with the baby-- something about blood loss and a malformed placenta. I was terrified. As I was wheeled past the nursery, I noticed that Doug, Mom and Dad didn't look ecstatic and happy-- they looked scared. My doula came into the recovery room and explained words I never wanted to hear.
My daughter began to go into a distressed state as I went into the c-section. Her heart rate plummeted, which is why they cut me open so quickly. When they pulled her out, she was bleeding out of her cord. Her cord had detached from the placenta, which was malformed. Due to that, she had lost a lot of blood from her body, through her cord and into the amniotic sac. She had then aspirated and swallowed some of that blood. They feared for her lungs (pneumonia) and her respiration as they had to artificially breathe for her for nearly 5 minutes. They also feared because she had lost so much blood. She got a blood transfusion right away, as well as quite a bit of fluids. The decision was made by the head pediatrician that she was too unstable and needed to be in the NICU of the main hospital here in Atlanta.
Both my OB and the Pediatrician spoke to Doug and I about her condition prior to transport. My OB explained that had we delayed even a minute longer, or had I insisted on pushing instead of surgery, we would have lost our daughter. She was bleeding so heavily that we wouldn't have been able to replace that kind of blood and fluid loss and she would have been stillborn. The Pediatrician went over all of his concerns (lungs, they pumped her stomach to get all of the swallowed blood out, need of fluids, suspected pneumonia) and the need for her to be somewhere that they could properly treat and monitor her 24/7.
I tried desperately to hang on to my sanity hearing this. A transport team was notified to come up and get her, and I was finally allowed to see my daughter for the first time for a minute or two as they took her away to a different hospital, 45 minutes away. I will never forget how tiny she looked in that big incubator, and how I bawled letting her go. I didn't know if I would see my child again.
We prayerfully began the waiting game after her transfer. Mom and Dad went back to their hotel, Doug went home to sleep and I sat here in the N-side Cherokee hospital praying for God to spare my daughter's life. Thankfully, good news came in the morning!
Throughout the day, the news continued to improve. As of yesterday evening, after Doug's visit, Samantha is breathing on her own. Her oxygen levels are perfect and she's nice and pink instead of grey/white. She doesn't have any issues with her lungs, and although they had to pump her stomach twice, she hasn't thrown up at all. She has had two transfusions, lots of fluids, platelets and blood clotting medication. She's being fed through a tube at the moment, and just sugar water, and loves to suck on her pacifier (good sign for sucking reflex!). She's just beautiful, and I am forever grateful.
Doug and I finally, last night, were able to sit down together and decompress and talk. He told me the horror of watching his distressed child be born (he stood up and watched it all) and how grateful he was that she was alive and improving. In his words "God's fingerprint is on her entire life-- from her conception to her deliver, God has provided". Had anything in that series of events been different we would have lost our precious child. Had we been just a little later, had I insisted on pushing, had we been in a different hospital with a different OB and staff.....oh how wrong this could have gone!
We are humbled and thankful. We don't deserve His mercies and understand what an amazing gift we have been blessed with. We are in awe of our amazing God and thank Him for this beautiful baby girl.
As we know we aren't out of the woods yet (I am still in the hospital in North Georgia and Samantha is still in the NICU in downtown ATL) we ask for your prayers. Prayers for healing for Shannen (LOTS of pain currently) and for Samantha (growth, blood pressure, eating, blood loss and transfusions, etc).
Below are the photos that I have of the baby, from when Doug went to visit her with my parents yesterday afternoon:
Saturday, May 28, 2011
We are being induced
Our appointment on Thursday yielded a higher blood pressure, more protein in my urine, and a tearful pregnant lady. My doctor has made the decision to induce labor now that I am full term!
I am being admitted to the hospital on Sunday evening, to begin with the medicine to ripen my cervix (I am 50% effaced) and then will begin the pitocin, if needed, on Monday morning. We are praying all goes well. This isn't quite the birth plan that we had (aiming for all-natural, no drugs) but for the safety of both me and Samantha, this is the best route to take.
I am excited, nervous, jittery and ecstatic. I am still in disbelief that my daughter will be here in a few short days, and still have moments of terror that I will never bring her home. It's surreal.
I appreciate everyone's prayers- for my precious daughter's health and safety, as well as my own. I will update as I can!
I am being admitted to the hospital on Sunday evening, to begin with the medicine to ripen my cervix (I am 50% effaced) and then will begin the pitocin, if needed, on Monday morning. We are praying all goes well. This isn't quite the birth plan that we had (aiming for all-natural, no drugs) but for the safety of both me and Samantha, this is the best route to take.
I am excited, nervous, jittery and ecstatic. I am still in disbelief that my daughter will be here in a few short days, and still have moments of terror that I will never bring her home. It's surreal.
I appreciate everyone's prayers- for my precious daughter's health and safety, as well as my own. I will update as I can!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Quick update on Samantha
I am now on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy, however short that may end up being. Samantha will be 37 weeks on Saturday, which gives us the all-clear to have her arrive.
My blood pressure is up (PHI) so I am to keep quiet, laying down most of the time on my left side. So far we have been to the hospital twice, done two 24 hour protein tests and are hoping that our doctor will decide that it's time for the baby to come shortly.
I am doing okay. Taking things in our usual way, one day at a time, and praying for a healthy baby girl here shortly!
My blood pressure is up (PHI) so I am to keep quiet, laying down most of the time on my left side. So far we have been to the hospital twice, done two 24 hour protein tests and are hoping that our doctor will decide that it's time for the baby to come shortly.
I am doing okay. Taking things in our usual way, one day at a time, and praying for a healthy baby girl here shortly!
Monday, May 16, 2011
A little bit at a time
A little bit at a time, Samantha's nursery is coming together. The crib is up, the dresser is full of little clothes, diapers, wipes and blankets. The bookshelf is up and is quickly filling with wholesome books to read to our little one. Decorations are on the walls, with just a few remaining to put up. The rocker is situated in a good corner, complete with the new pillow covers with the purple ruffles, made lovingly by Grandmama.
On top of the hutch sit the various blankets and quilts that have been made by friends and family. There's the lavender and plaid one from Alyssa, the two crocheted ones from Laura, the pink snuggly one from Mrs. Russell, the fluffy white and purple one from Jen, and the handmade patchwork quilt from Becky. Each one made with love and care, by people so dear to my heart.
There's so much love in this room already. I am overwhelmed every time I come in here. Today, I sit quietly in the rocker, just looking around at the room that we have prepared for our daughter. I sit in awe and disbelief that in a month or less our child will be here. The room will be filled with baby smells, baby sounds. I will sit in this rocker and feed my child-- this so-longed-for precious little girl. I grow more and more grateful every day and can't wait to meet our little Samantha!
On top of the hutch sit the various blankets and quilts that have been made by friends and family. There's the lavender and plaid one from Alyssa, the two crocheted ones from Laura, the pink snuggly one from Mrs. Russell, the fluffy white and purple one from Jen, and the handmade patchwork quilt from Becky. Each one made with love and care, by people so dear to my heart.
There's so much love in this room already. I am overwhelmed every time I come in here. Today, I sit quietly in the rocker, just looking around at the room that we have prepared for our daughter. I sit in awe and disbelief that in a month or less our child will be here. The room will be filled with baby smells, baby sounds. I will sit in this rocker and feed my child-- this so-longed-for precious little girl. I grow more and more grateful every day and can't wait to meet our little Samantha!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Mother's Day
As the "big day" approaches I find myself apprehensive again. No, I am not referring to delivery day, I am referring to Mother's Day. I think it's the single-most painful day in an IF woman's year. A day that celebrates what we are all trying to achieve. A day that reminds us of what we don't have. A day that, for so many, is like a smack in the face, a punch in the gut, that makes us crawl back to the safety of home to cry it out and find a way to keep moving.
Last year, Mother's Day was just after our second loss. I couldn't handle the day. I couldn't sit there and watch all of the other mothers celebrate their children, while my arms were so heavily empty and my heart so completely broken. Each commercial celebrating motherhood, showing tiny babies being cuddled and loved, each one was another stab in my heart. I cried more tears that week than I thought was humanly possible. I just wanted my babies back.
This year is bittersweet for me. I miss my babies in Heaven. I want to honor them, I want to remember them, I want others to do the same. Yet I know, deep down, that the focus will be on this child that I am carrying now. That if we are able to go to church, and I stand with the rest of the mothers, that people will be thinking of Samantha, and not of our other two children that have gone on before us. Not that celebrating Samantha is wrong-- I am still so in awe that we are pregnant-- but it hurts for the other children that are forgotten. Not just my two, but all of the children of my friends whose arms are still empty.
So this Mother's Day, please remember to keep your IF friends in mind. This day is so painful, and for those of us brave enough to venture out, one that leaves us shaking inside for days to come.
To my sisters in this journey, you are all in my prayers. While it may not be widely recognized by others, we ARE Mothers, whether those children are in our arms or our hearts.
Last year, Mother's Day was just after our second loss. I couldn't handle the day. I couldn't sit there and watch all of the other mothers celebrate their children, while my arms were so heavily empty and my heart so completely broken. Each commercial celebrating motherhood, showing tiny babies being cuddled and loved, each one was another stab in my heart. I cried more tears that week than I thought was humanly possible. I just wanted my babies back.
This year is bittersweet for me. I miss my babies in Heaven. I want to honor them, I want to remember them, I want others to do the same. Yet I know, deep down, that the focus will be on this child that I am carrying now. That if we are able to go to church, and I stand with the rest of the mothers, that people will be thinking of Samantha, and not of our other two children that have gone on before us. Not that celebrating Samantha is wrong-- I am still so in awe that we are pregnant-- but it hurts for the other children that are forgotten. Not just my two, but all of the children of my friends whose arms are still empty.
So this Mother's Day, please remember to keep your IF friends in mind. This day is so painful, and for those of us brave enough to venture out, one that leaves us shaking inside for days to come.
To my sisters in this journey, you are all in my prayers. While it may not be widely recognized by others, we ARE Mothers, whether those children are in our arms or our hearts.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Bed Rest
Well, today is day one of my bed rest. Let's just say that I am bored, shall we?
Yesterday I finally caved and called my ObGyn to discuss my contractions. I get them a lot, particularly when I am seated then stand, or laying down then stand. Walking around can be a chore. Also, Samantha wasn't as wiggly as normal, and that concerned me. Off to the doc we went! As I was being hooked up to the machine that would monitor contractions and Samantha's heartrate, the little booger started wiggling around, happy as a clam. Also, the contractions stopped. Sigh....now that I look like a lunatic, let's move on.
So, Doc put me on bedrest! Apparently gravity is taking it's toll on my body, due to my larger-than-her-gestational-age daughter. She's already in position and has dropped so that she's pushing on my cervix and causing the contractions. Thankfully, I am not dilated yet :) The bedrest is so that I stay gravity-neutral in attempts to pull her up just a bit and stop the contractions. I can get up and around the house a bit (and am encouraged to do so to prevent blood clots) and take short outings to the chiropractor and doc's office, but otherwise, I am to stay quiet.
So, now I am on a quest to find a good study, a good book, a good movie....anything to keep occupied! Suggestions are welcome :)
Yesterday I finally caved and called my ObGyn to discuss my contractions. I get them a lot, particularly when I am seated then stand, or laying down then stand. Walking around can be a chore. Also, Samantha wasn't as wiggly as normal, and that concerned me. Off to the doc we went! As I was being hooked up to the machine that would monitor contractions and Samantha's heartrate, the little booger started wiggling around, happy as a clam. Also, the contractions stopped. Sigh....now that I look like a lunatic, let's move on.
So, Doc put me on bedrest! Apparently gravity is taking it's toll on my body, due to my larger-than-her-gestational-age daughter. She's already in position and has dropped so that she's pushing on my cervix and causing the contractions. Thankfully, I am not dilated yet :) The bedrest is so that I stay gravity-neutral in attempts to pull her up just a bit and stop the contractions. I can get up and around the house a bit (and am encouraged to do so to prevent blood clots) and take short outings to the chiropractor and doc's office, but otherwise, I am to stay quiet.
So, now I am on a quest to find a good study, a good book, a good movie....anything to keep occupied! Suggestions are welcome :)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Pregnancy Photo Shoot
As Doug and I continue on our path to our miracle baby, we decided to do professional photos to commemorate our current state. Somehow these photos made everything seem more real. I can see our daughter on film...and I am grateful beyond words!
Here they are, courtesy of KH Photography.
Here they are, courtesy of KH Photography.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Crazy hormonal ramblings to follow...
Last night Doug and I were discussing Crazy Girl. This is the term used to lovingly describe hormonal me. She comes out occasionally for a brief, tearful moment, and generally goes nicely back into hiding after a little bit of snuggling and reassurance. I have noticed, however, that pregnancy hormones put her into over-drive.
I cry at everything. A missing sock, a broken nail, not being able to find my nail polish in the right shade of pink, the rugs in the house not being in the right place by an inch or two (or twelve).
I have lost my mouth sensor. I tend to say what pops into my head, and that isn't always a good thing. I actually told a coworker to "shut up and do his job" when he complained to me about the time it would take him to do something the other day (and yes, I did call back and apologize-- in tears of course).
I throw tantrums. My poor closet bears the brunt of these tantrums as they are normally about a certain shirt not fitting when it did two days prior.
When I am hungry, I am HUNGRY. NOW. Not 10 minutes from now, but N-O-W. And most likely I am craving something that is on the don-not-eat-when-pregnant list which will most likely end with me in tears.
Sigh....
Yes, I do love being pregnant. I love feeling my baby move, I love her little hiccups, I love hearing her little heartbeat pumping away.
However, I do miss feeling a little more sane. I'd like to take Crazy Girl and shove her back into her cage for a while, and just be normal...well, as normal as I can be LOL!
I cry at everything. A missing sock, a broken nail, not being able to find my nail polish in the right shade of pink, the rugs in the house not being in the right place by an inch or two (or twelve).
I have lost my mouth sensor. I tend to say what pops into my head, and that isn't always a good thing. I actually told a coworker to "shut up and do his job" when he complained to me about the time it would take him to do something the other day (and yes, I did call back and apologize-- in tears of course).
I throw tantrums. My poor closet bears the brunt of these tantrums as they are normally about a certain shirt not fitting when it did two days prior.
When I am hungry, I am HUNGRY. NOW. Not 10 minutes from now, but N-O-W. And most likely I am craving something that is on the don-not-eat-when-pregnant list which will most likely end with me in tears.
Sigh....
Yes, I do love being pregnant. I love feeling my baby move, I love her little hiccups, I love hearing her little heartbeat pumping away.
However, I do miss feeling a little more sane. I'd like to take Crazy Girl and shove her back into her cage for a while, and just be normal...well, as normal as I can be LOL!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Baby Samantha Update- 29 weeks
For a family surprise, Doug and I scheduled our second 3D ultrasound for when my family would be in town. My parents, grandmother, great aunt, two aunts, sister in law, niece and cousin were all in attendance as we checked in our our little girl.
I shed tears of joy watching this precious child on screen. She is getting chubby, and my Dad was astounded at how much she already resembles my newborn photos. She opened her mouth, and also opened her eyes. She kept one fist tightly clenched near her face, and kicked at the tech when we tried to take a peek at her feet.
Here are a few photos from the ultrasound session:
Doug and I are still in such awe that this is our daughter. I am so thankful for this amazing blessing!!
I shed tears of joy watching this precious child on screen. She is getting chubby, and my Dad was astounded at how much she already resembles my newborn photos. She opened her mouth, and also opened her eyes. She kept one fist tightly clenched near her face, and kicked at the tech when we tried to take a peek at her feet.
Here are a few photos from the ultrasound session:
Doug and I are still in such awe that this is our daughter. I am so thankful for this amazing blessing!!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
And then there is grief
Today I put myself out into the Facebook world. I posted something that I typically don't do. I posted something truly from my heart instead of the flippant, make you laugh-or-cringe type of thing I would normally do. Something real, not artificial or superficial.
I posted a "memorial" of sorts for my second child. I got very little response. Those that did respond weren't surprises....these are ladies that have been there and understand.
It saddens and angers me how many people can't deal with grief. Or how many simply don't care unless it impacts them. Perhaps I am reading too much into it as some people didn't see my post. Or perhaps, as my husband puts it, they just don't know what to say. But isn't that what the "like" button is for? Or a simple, "remembering with you" statement? I am not looking for pity. I am simply looking for acknowledgement. I mean, really, if I can acknowledge that your cat coughed up his fifth furball of the day onto your rug, can't you acknowledge my child that is now in Heaven?
So many people want to put a timeline on grief. After a month, I am supposed to be all better. Or at least I should pretend that I am so as not to inconvenience anyone. But guess what.....I am not all better. Yes, I am thankful for this blessing that I am carrying, but she doesn't "replace" the babies before her. She has her own special spot in my heart, just as they have theirs.
Today was tough. It was a reality check. It saddens me that my child is forgotten. It saddens me that it pains people for me to share. It saddens me that people can't be real and must present a front to the rest of the world. But, of course, life goes on, one day at a time.
I posted a "memorial" of sorts for my second child. I got very little response. Those that did respond weren't surprises....these are ladies that have been there and understand.
It saddens and angers me how many people can't deal with grief. Or how many simply don't care unless it impacts them. Perhaps I am reading too much into it as some people didn't see my post. Or perhaps, as my husband puts it, they just don't know what to say. But isn't that what the "like" button is for? Or a simple, "remembering with you" statement? I am not looking for pity. I am simply looking for acknowledgement. I mean, really, if I can acknowledge that your cat coughed up his fifth furball of the day onto your rug, can't you acknowledge my child that is now in Heaven?
So many people want to put a timeline on grief. After a month, I am supposed to be all better. Or at least I should pretend that I am so as not to inconvenience anyone. But guess what.....I am not all better. Yes, I am thankful for this blessing that I am carrying, but she doesn't "replace" the babies before her. She has her own special spot in my heart, just as they have theirs.
Today was tough. It was a reality check. It saddens me that my child is forgotten. It saddens me that it pains people for me to share. It saddens me that people can't be real and must present a front to the rest of the world. But, of course, life goes on, one day at a time.
Monday, March 28, 2011
One year ago...remembering my second child
One year ago Doug and I found out that we were expecting. This was our second pregnancy. This was the one that would come to be known as "the ectopic" on my medical records. This was the pregnancy that both filled my heart with hope and left me devastated and broken, sobbing for the child that we would never hold.
I didn't suspect that I was pregnant. I had gone shopping with a friend to pick out fabrics for our new draperies, and started to feel dizzy. Patterns were making me sick to my stomach and no amount of food seemed to help. I headed for home, still unsuspecting of the life growing inside me. That evening, I took a pregnancy test. Then another. Then another. All came back positive. I cried happy tears and held my husband close. Our dreams had come true!
The doctor's appointment the following Monday confirmed the pregnancy and gave me a strong hCg number. My progesterone was borderline and I was told not to worry- it was early and it would increase. I followed up on Wednesday with another blood draw to find that the numbers had exactly doubled-- my baby was doing well!
By that Friday I began to suspect something was wrong. I had started spotting and feeling crampy. I called my doctor, who let me come in. She took a look, reassured me that spotting was normal and did another blood draw. All weekend, I knew something wasn't right. On Monday it was confirmed. The bloodwork showed that our baby was dying. To say that I was devastated doesn't begin to describe the horror. I called Doug and he headed home. We both spent the day in tears.
I called my specialist, who began additional bloodwork. The series of tests over the next 21 days were exhausting. Blood draws, exams....it was never ending. My levels danced around the charts as they discovered that the reason for our loss was that the baby had implanted on my right ovary instead. We were given the option to take a shot that would terminate any growing cells in hopes of saving my ovary. We refused the medication and opted for prayer. Thankfully, my next series of bloodwork showed that the baby had passed on it's own and that my body was healing itself.
I look back at that time and remember the horror of losing another child. I remember how alone I felt and how horrifying it was to do something as simple as go to the restroom. Every needle prick, every exam, every cramp reminded me that my baby had died. Watching people around me take care of their children was like a punch in the stomach. I wanted my baby back. I cried for my baby, I cried for me, I cried for Doug. I didn't think I'd ever recover.
Today I look back at that day that I got the positive pregnancy test and I want to tell myself to treasure the good feelings. To hold onto that hope and to tell that baby every day how much Mommy loves him or her. Today I look back on the horrible days that followed with feelings of sadness. I miss my child, but know that one day I will meet him or her in Heaven.
Until then, my precious second child, Mommy loved you while she had you and continues to love you to this day. While I didn't hold you in my arms, I will always hold you in my heart.
I didn't suspect that I was pregnant. I had gone shopping with a friend to pick out fabrics for our new draperies, and started to feel dizzy. Patterns were making me sick to my stomach and no amount of food seemed to help. I headed for home, still unsuspecting of the life growing inside me. That evening, I took a pregnancy test. Then another. Then another. All came back positive. I cried happy tears and held my husband close. Our dreams had come true!
The doctor's appointment the following Monday confirmed the pregnancy and gave me a strong hCg number. My progesterone was borderline and I was told not to worry- it was early and it would increase. I followed up on Wednesday with another blood draw to find that the numbers had exactly doubled-- my baby was doing well!
By that Friday I began to suspect something was wrong. I had started spotting and feeling crampy. I called my doctor, who let me come in. She took a look, reassured me that spotting was normal and did another blood draw. All weekend, I knew something wasn't right. On Monday it was confirmed. The bloodwork showed that our baby was dying. To say that I was devastated doesn't begin to describe the horror. I called Doug and he headed home. We both spent the day in tears.
I called my specialist, who began additional bloodwork. The series of tests over the next 21 days were exhausting. Blood draws, exams....it was never ending. My levels danced around the charts as they discovered that the reason for our loss was that the baby had implanted on my right ovary instead. We were given the option to take a shot that would terminate any growing cells in hopes of saving my ovary. We refused the medication and opted for prayer. Thankfully, my next series of bloodwork showed that the baby had passed on it's own and that my body was healing itself.
I look back at that time and remember the horror of losing another child. I remember how alone I felt and how horrifying it was to do something as simple as go to the restroom. Every needle prick, every exam, every cramp reminded me that my baby had died. Watching people around me take care of their children was like a punch in the stomach. I wanted my baby back. I cried for my baby, I cried for me, I cried for Doug. I didn't think I'd ever recover.
Today I look back at that day that I got the positive pregnancy test and I want to tell myself to treasure the good feelings. To hold onto that hope and to tell that baby every day how much Mommy loves him or her. Today I look back on the horrible days that followed with feelings of sadness. I miss my child, but know that one day I will meet him or her in Heaven.
Until then, my precious second child, Mommy loved you while she had you and continues to love you to this day. While I didn't hold you in my arms, I will always hold you in my heart.
Oh the things that change!
The other day I was chatting with a friend that I have known for years. This friend knew me "before". Before my becoming a Christian, before my struggles with infertility. She has seen me change from the wild twenty-something in the fractured marriage to the woman I am today. In other words, she's seen the good, bad and the ugly.
Her comment to me was "If I hadn't seen you through all of this, I don't think I'd know you. If we hadn't been in touch, I would never think you were the girl I knew back then."
While not surprising, it was eye-opening.
The girl I was back then was very career-driven. I wanted the best car, the best house, the perfect dog, the perfect-looking husband. I spent more on shoes than on groceries and made it a point to appear at all of THE social functions in the city. It mattered to me that I looked perfect in pictures, and that my clothes had the best label out there.
The girl I am today is less worldly. I don't have to have the latest fashion, and while I don't dress frumpy, I probably don't look trendy either. I enjoy my job, but wouldn't call myself career-driven. My family is more important than my job. I shop in sales and consignment shops. I budget-- and actually mean it.
I don't look at the world the same, so I don't expect that the world would see me the same.
I pray that I am able to instill some of that into my daughter :)
Her comment to me was "If I hadn't seen you through all of this, I don't think I'd know you. If we hadn't been in touch, I would never think you were the girl I knew back then."
While not surprising, it was eye-opening.
The girl I was back then was very career-driven. I wanted the best car, the best house, the perfect dog, the perfect-looking husband. I spent more on shoes than on groceries and made it a point to appear at all of THE social functions in the city. It mattered to me that I looked perfect in pictures, and that my clothes had the best label out there.
The girl I am today is less worldly. I don't have to have the latest fashion, and while I don't dress frumpy, I probably don't look trendy either. I enjoy my job, but wouldn't call myself career-driven. My family is more important than my job. I shop in sales and consignment shops. I budget-- and actually mean it.
I don't look at the world the same, so I don't expect that the world would see me the same.
I pray that I am able to instill some of that into my daughter :)
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The final third
Well, here I am in disbelief that I am actually in my third trimester of this pregnancy. My baby girl will be here in 12 short weeks. I will be able to see her, hold her, feed her, and tell her that I love her. I will learn to recognize her cries. I will do countless loads of laundry from all of the baby spit up. I will be able to see my husband hold his daughter, my parents hold their grand daughter.
I will enjoy every moment that I still have in this pregnancy, swollen feet and all. I will treasure every kick, every punch, every dash to the bathroom as she hits my bladder with scary accuracy.
I will also keep my friends in prayer. My dear friends that are still walking their path of infertility, crying out to God to bless their wombs. I will love them, sometimes from afar, as they struggle daily. I will not forget how painful it is. I will not take this for granted.
I will enjoy every moment that I still have in this pregnancy, swollen feet and all. I will treasure every kick, every punch, every dash to the bathroom as she hits my bladder with scary accuracy.
I will also keep my friends in prayer. My dear friends that are still walking their path of infertility, crying out to God to bless their wombs. I will love them, sometimes from afar, as they struggle daily. I will not forget how painful it is. I will not take this for granted.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Feeling Crafty
I recently purchased a new sewing machine and have been thrilled with it! I am enjoying being crafty again, and am having fun finding new baby items to make out of my old clothes that I never wear anymore. Here are a few of the items I have made:
PJ pants. These are for me, so that I can quit stealing Doug's pants. None of mine fit me right now :)
Bib for Samantha; matches my pj pants :)
Burp cloths, obviously for the baby. I also made a few boy-patterned cloths for a friend that is expecting shortly after me.
Pillowcase dresses. This is the simplest pattern! I will change out the green ribbon for white ribbon on the purple dress, but for now, here they are:
Baby skirts. The pink one is for a newborn (this summer) and the green and white layered one is for next summer. Both are gathered waists, so that I can adjust it to fit her tummy at the time :)
I am sure as I get better at this I will include more photos. In the meantime, I am enjoying making little items for Samantha and spending some time preparing for this precious little girl.
PJ pants. These are for me, so that I can quit stealing Doug's pants. None of mine fit me right now :)
Bib for Samantha; matches my pj pants :)
Burp cloths, obviously for the baby. I also made a few boy-patterned cloths for a friend that is expecting shortly after me.
Pillowcase dresses. This is the simplest pattern! I will change out the green ribbon for white ribbon on the purple dress, but for now, here they are:
Baby skirts. The pink one is for a newborn (this summer) and the green and white layered one is for next summer. Both are gathered waists, so that I can adjust it to fit her tummy at the time :)
I am sure as I get better at this I will include more photos. In the meantime, I am enjoying making little items for Samantha and spending some time preparing for this precious little girl.
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